There is currently a debate going on in a high school in Troy, Michigan about a poster that hangs in a teachers’ classroom reading, “Gay People Are Everyday People” created by the local LBGT center Affirmations (www.goaffirmations.org).

I wrote an article in favor of it that can be read here
http://www.detnews.com/2005/editorial/0506/12/A15-212564.htm and opposition to this is next to the story that can be read here http://www.detnews.com/2005/editorial/0506/12/A15-212563.htm

I long for the day to come where it will be politically incorrect to have a counter argument like this about gay and lesbian articles. If this were a debate about Judaism or African-American issues newspapers and the media would not allow the KKK to have their opinion voiced next to it opposing it.

I am still shocked that in 2005 it is tolerated. This man who makes a counter argument is clearly using scare tactics (ie: AIDS)and threats (lawsuits to the school) rather than sticking to the issue at hand.
Joe Kort

I have been reading about Love In Action and all that they are about. Organizations like Love In Action and AFA prey on the gay community’s weaknesses. I work hard to strengthen the areas in our commmunity where we are weak or at least increase awareness of places that we are vulnerable for these hateful organizations to strike. The following article is an attempt to raise awareness among us once again.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?
By Joe Kort, MSW

It’s said that a prophet is without honor in his own country. We gays and lesbians don’t have our own nation, let alone recognized “prophets” in our communities. As a group—leaders, organizations and businesses— we dishonor each other. I hear gays and lesbians say things like: “Isn’t it great that straight business is reaching out to the GLBT [gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender] community,” and literally in the same breath, “Can you believe that GLBT businesses are trying to make money off us?” and “Who does that business think it is, trying to be in the forefront of the gay community?”

This is internalized homophobia (hereafter, IH), which occurs whenever GLBT people direct external homophobia at themselves and others in their community. IH is growing as more and more GLBT businesses courageously hang their shingles as “out and open.” IH makes us distance ourselves from others in our community, dismissing them as too gay-acting, too out, or too political.

For years now, we’ve seen GLBT organizations experience internal conflicts and “disorganization” with each other. These organizations argue—internally and externally—about who has the correct ideas, direction, concepts and plans. Differences in opinion lead to some individuals splitting off and creating their own organizations, which then compete with the original one.

The psychological and social reasons for this originate in how we GLBT’s learn our sense of belonging, identity, and competence. Many other minorities have the same tendency to attack one another for similar reasons. This is called lateral discrimination: The minority group internalizes the presumed superiority of the larger society and individuals in the group act out toward one another.

Belonging

From childhood, we gays and lesbians are denied a sense of belonging. Having to conform to heterosexual models, we don’t automatically learn, as do our heterosexual counterparts, to establish community and togetherness amongst each other.
Other minorities have families who support them and give them a sense of belonging amongst their own minority. Oprah Winfrey talks about the first time she saw the Supremes on television and yelling to her family, “Colored people are on TV, colored people are on TV!” She and her family watched these three beautiful black women singing and wearing beautiful clothes in ways that African-Americans weren’t usually depicted on television.

At least Oprah had her family to run to and feel a sense of belonging. Unlike other minorities, we have no one to provide that support! In our own families, we are still a minority. We’re born into an enemy camp, heterosexual families, and go to heterosexual boot camp for at least 18 years.

Identity

Understandably, we humans label ourselves—and each other—as a way to achieve a sense of identity. And within these labels—particularly gender labels–we are expected to act and think a certain way. GLBT children don’t get the same support as heterosexual boys and girls. The girls hear, “You have to wear this dress,” and the boys are told, “Don’t act like a girl.” When I was young, I used to put my sister’s black tights on my head and sing into a hairbrush, pretending I was Cher! My mother grabbed those tights off my head and told me, “Little boys cannot be Cher.” The bottom line is, we have to establish our identities on our own, with no help from others in learning to be who we are.

Our differences are not respected from childhood. Therefore, we do not accept each other’s differences as adults. How then can we be expected to accept each other’s differences within our GLBT community and businesses?

Competence

One of the biggest factors contributing to negativity toward gay businesses is the wound gay and lesbian children receive around the competence stage of development. Everyone needs to feel that what they think and do is worthwhile. If children don’t get this impression from caretakers and/or authority figures, they often grow up to feel incompetent and/or uncompetitive. Gay children are taught that the way they think, act and feel is wrong. How can we support each other if we have no confidence in ourselves?

The other ways competence wounds are acted out are by becoming competitive. I am not talking about healthy competitiveness–I am talking about fierce, vicious competition. One business might come out against the other, overtly or covertly doing subtle things to undermine the company. I often see this among gay and lesbian businesses, and the worst part is that there is no need to feel threatened or competitive. The competitiveness demonstrated is from that person’s or business’s past wounds.

The Enemy Among Us

It’s wonderful that our community has multiple organizations, businesses, and support groups. The answer is not necessarily to join together and create a single one, but to allow communication and dialogue among the various businesses. We need to honor our own competence and each other’s, and support one another by checking on dates of each other’s events, national and local, held by businesses similar to our own when we can. We should talk to each other about how to stand together for our common good and not feel threatened by one another. What an impact our GLBT businesses could make if we put our heads together and supported each other, allowing for more than one reality and honored each other’s viewpoints. Isn’t that exactly what we’re asking from those outside of our community?

I’d like to end this article with a quote from author and motivational speaker Alan Cohen: “Instead of going to scare city [scarcity], have a bun dance [abundance]!”

Dust Bunnies in your Closet
By Joe Kort, MSW

Recently, a high school in Troy, Michigan made the news when the Detroit area Lesbian and Gay Community Center created a sign depicting people from all walks of life, with the heading, “Gays and Lesbians are Everyday People.” Some parents wanted it taken down because it “promotes homosexuality.” Thankfully, the Troy school board is allowing it to stay up.

These parents are sending the message that there’s something wrong with showing gays and lesbians as everyday people. Even if it were “promoting homosexuality” (which it’s not), what’s wrong with that? And how do gay children and teenagers feel knowing that some people want it—and by extension, them—removed? This only encourages those gay teenagers to stay in the closet, hiding not just their sexual and romantic orientation. There is much more at risk.

As Gay Pride Month approaches, with festivals, parades, dances, bar and movie nights, those dust bunnies lingering in our closets cause some sneezing. Most gays and lesbians don’t realize that just because you come out with your sexual and romantic orientation doesn’t mean you are finished coming out. Also locked away in your closet is internalized homophobia, which takes many forms—and Gay Pride celebrations can bring them out quickly.

Clients tell me they’re depressed and unhappy that coming out hasn’t been as good as promised by pridefests and National Coming Out Day. They go to Gay Pride events, but don’t enjoy them. They wrongly assume it’s because they have come out, which is not the real issue. In reality, those things locked away in their closets before they came out are causing the problems. Gay pride can be bittersweet: It can feel good and celebratory, but also be troubling and bring up unresolved feelings about being gay.

When gay males see other shirtless males proudly exhibiting their torsos, the dust bunnies start to fly bodies. Many of my gay clients feel inferior about how their bodies look, and seeing so many hot guys triggers their low self-esteem. Other gays and lesbians complain about “stereotypical” behavior such as men cruising one another, some dressed as drag queens or kings, dykes on bikes, leather daddies, effeminate gay men and masculine lesbian and say folks at these events are “giving gays a bad name.” These internalized homophobic dust bunnies need a good vacuuming.

Others see lesbian and gay youth at the pride celebrations and regret for not having come out sooner. It’s normal to regret how long it took you and be aware of your normative grief, but to beat yourself up over it is more about your unresolved dust bunnies.

Some couples go these events and feel tempted to cheat or flirt excessively, causing problems in their relationships. Concern about one’s partner’s eyes wandering too much can cause tension and difficult feelings. After attending a pride event, many think about breaking up with their partners, believing that from what they saw at the festivities, there are better chances out there.

And finally, if you are gay or lesbian and single, not having met someone after all of the celebration can make you think there’s no one out there right for you, and that you’re destined to be single forever.

These illusions arise from celebrations that try to unpack a lifetime of repression in a day, a weekend or even one month! Here are some ways to care of yourself during gay pride events:

1. If you persist in feeling badly about yourself, , leave the festivities for a while—or for good.. Comparing your insides with someone else’s outsides can never benefit your self-esteem.

2. If it bothers you to notice your partner’s eye roaming, tell him or her. If the conflict persists, take a time out to talk about it and decide—together!–if you should both stay or leave.

3. Keep your drinking to a minimum. When alcohol is involved, people do and say things they’d never dream of ordinarily. . Pace yourself and use booze to enhance the celebration, not become it.

4. If you have a strong reaction—either positive or negative— to others at the celebrations, remember that it’s most likely about you. Strong reactive judgments are usually 90% about you and 10% about whomever you‘re judging. Explore what this reaction says about you.

5. Volunteer for one of the gay organizations’ booths and. Keep focused on how Gay Pride is about moving forward to keep gay spirit positive.

6. Go with friends. If feelings grow difficult, even overwhelming, you’ll have someone to talk to.

Joe Kort, MSW is a psychotherapist and author in Royal Oak, Michigan. He maintains a regularly updated website at www.joekort.com.

By Joe Kort
(Corrected Edition)

As the years go by, a growing number of cartoon characters have been forcibly "outed." I am amazed that anyone would be concerned about the sexual and romantic orientation of any imaginary two-dimensional figure?

First it was poor Bert and Ernie of "Sesame Street". These two beloved American figures were minding their own business, taking baths together, singing silly songs together (probably Broadway tunes), sleeping in the same twin beds — with a picture of them both together over the headboard. Best buds they were! Bachelors at best. And then in 1990, the Reverend Joseph Chambers, a Pentecostal minister from Charlotte, North Carolina, decided that they’re a gay couple.

"They’re two grown men sharing a house — and a bedroom!" bellows Chambers, whose radio ministry is broadcast in four Southern states. "They share clothes. They eat and cook together. They vacation together and have effeminate characteristics. In one show Bert teaches Ernie how to sew. In another, they tend plants together. If this isn’t meant to represent a homosexual union, I can’t imagine what it’s supposed to represent."

The Children’s Television Workshop and "Sesame Street" both issued a statement defending the characters saying that these two were, in fact, not a gay couple. Since then, nevertheless, Bert and Ernie have largely kept their distance from each other, onscreen. They are still friends, and my young nephews still say "Bert ‘n’ Ernie" in one breath. But the baths have stopped, and their pictures together are gone.

Then in 1999, Rev. Jerry Falwell outed a Teletubby who was minding his own business and having fun with the other three Teletubbies. But he was purple (lavender!), carried his magic bag (a purse!), spoke in a high voice (effeminate!) and wore a triangle (symbol of gay pride!) on his head. The Itsy Bitsy Entertainment Co. reassured everyone — including good old Jerry — that the Tinky Winky — whom they license as dolls and in many other formats — is not gay.

I was so upset about all of this that in 2000, when my partner and I were married under Reform Judaism, we tied small figures of Bert, Ernie, and Tinky Winky together with a rainbow ribbon with a note that read, "A Perfect Family." Since there was no bride at our wedding, so no bouquet or garter belt available, Mike and I threw big dolls of Bert and Ernie. My nephew, then aged three, thought that all weddings were like that — aimed at him and him alone!

Now James Dobson — founder of Focus on the Family, a right-wing Christian group­­ — has singled out SpongeBob Square Pants, who has his own half-hour cable show on Nickelodeon. SpongeBob’s new video, "We Are Family" calls for tolerance of all people and is to be shown in schools. (That song is a gay anthem, and Diana Ross even appears in the video! — not that makes the video gay!)

Actually, SpongeBob has been under suspicion for a while now and is a gay icon for some. But his creators deny that he is gay, and have also stated that those who think he is should "increase their medications." Too funny — and how clever, to suddenly put the whole argument in an adult perspective!

But why are no female cartoon characters ever outed? Organizations for the Reparative Therapy of Homosexuality and religious organizations for the Ex-Gay movement, and NARTH — the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality — always target males.

Can we talk about Peppermint Patty from the Peanuts comic strip? She is clearly a lesbian, and it’s obvious that she is in romantic love with Lucy, always following her around. She even has a friend Marcie — clearly a lesbian — who calls her "Sir"! And what about Velma from "Scooby Doo"? Her hairstyle is very butch, and she always wears sensible clothes and shoes.

And what about the Power Puff Girls? Those three flying tomboys can throw punches and save the day, one half-hour at a time, better than any man in Townsville!

Why do those who oppose homosexuality make so little fuss about these lesbian cartoon characters, aside from a small uproar on the Internet? Because the vast majority of homophobic and anti-gay attacks are made by sexist patriarchal men — and some women like Women of America (WOA) — who require rigid gender roles. These men will allow women to stray, as long as it is for their benefit and pleasure. Straight men buy and rent DVDs of lesbian sex is for their erotic entertainment. But these same good ole boys get disciplined for not conforming to strict gender roles. Their punishment is to be outed as gay — as if that is the worst insult "a real man" can endure.

If Bert and Ernie, Tinky Winky, and SpongeBob are gay, then I’m glad to be alongside them as a real-life, openly gay man. I can’t wait until Buzz Lightyear, that Muscle Beach  spaceman from Toy Story, comes out. Now, he is HOT!

G-d is not homophobic by The Rev. J. Alton Cressman, 1995

The following article originally appeared in the Port Huron, Michigan Times Herald as a "Guest Opinion" column in 1995

The Rev. J. Alton Cressman has been a member of the Port Huron clergy since 1949.

As a pastor and counselor of more than 40 years in Port Huron, I have followed with interest TalkBack and letters, which have since appeared, on your editorial page. Some were positive and supportive, some negative and judgmental. A number of the anti-gay replies used the Bible to try to make a point. These arguments are usually based on three main passages. I feel we have an obligation to approach the Scriptures with literary and historical understanding.

The Genesis 19 passage about Sodom refers to gang rape, but says nothing about homosexuality. As other references to Sodom in the Bible indicate, the sin of Sodom was inhospitality (Luke 10:10). There is no word in the original Hebrew Old Testament text for homosexuality.

Another passage often used is from the book of Leviticus, which spells out laws for the nomadic tribe of Levi thousands of years ago. If we follow those rules, we are forbidden to eat bacon, shrimp or cheeseburgers, or to wash and wear shirts or plant a garden with more then one kind of seed.

The third text commonly quoted is from Paul’s letter to the Romans, Chapter 1. Here Paul is warning the 1st Century Christians against the contamination of idolatrous pagan temple worship, which included both male and female prostitution, common in Greek and Roman cultures. Nowhere in any of these passages is there reference to same-gender love as experienced today. There is no word for homosexuality in New Testament Greek. Paul had no more understanding of homosexuality as we know it today than that the world is round. To take Biblical references out of context and use them as proof is easy. It was done years ago to prove the right for Christians to own slaves, to persecute Jews and to keep women in inferior positions. In the backwoods of the Kentucky hills, mountain preachers use rattlesnakes to prove their faith (see Mark 16:18).

In recent years, the state of Kentucky had to pass a law forbidding this practice. There are tests in the Epistles, which forbid a woman from speaking in church, cutting her hair or wearing gold. Except for some cult groups, we do not take this literally today. Jesus said nothing about homosexuality, but he said a lot about divorce. Studies have shown that one to 10% of the population is born homosexual, as some of us are born left-handed. It is not a choice. It is time for us to take a look at the main message of the Bible, which in the words of Jesus was; “By this shall everyone know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” “Judge not that you be not judged.”

The final message of the Old Testament from Micah 6:8 is “What does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” Since the early 1950’s I have known outstanding persons in the community who because they were gay were fired from jobs in the industry, business and the professions. Some were unwelcome in churches, a few of them pastors and priests. Worst of all, I have known young people contemplating suicide after being turned out by their families and having nowhere to turn for support.

This is 1995. Let’s not have any more graceless condemnation of minority groups in our community. It is a matter of civil rights. The local Pride Group has my support.

Think of the ironic statement made by Sgt. Len Matlovich a few years ago when he said, “I can receive a medal for killing a man in Vietnam, and get kicked out of the Air Force for loving one.”

The Rev. J. Alton Cressman has been a member of the Port Huron clergy since 1949.

The following is a tongue-in-cheek questionnaire designed to illustrate the heterosexism implied in these same questions asked of lesbians and gays. Imagine as you read them if this were real and straight people were asked these questions. Gays and lesbians experience these questions in the same way a heterosexual would. When people say that living gay is an "alternative" lifestyle I always tell them that for me living straight is an alternative lifestyle. What Gloria Steinem did wish sexism is said, "What if we do to men what is done to woman?" She writes that if men were given lower paying jobs than women, lowered their chances of climbing the corporate ladder, blocked from becoming president, and if men had to endure other forms of sexist acts they would be appalled and everyone would seen the insanity of what we do to women. Imagining heterosexist acts and questions directed at straights illustrates the insanity done to gays and lesbians.

Heterosexism is the belief that everyone is, or should be, heterosexual. That rights and privileges should only go to heterosexuals and that any other sexual or romantic orientation either doesn’t exist and/or is inferior to heterosexuality.

Questions for Heterosexuals
developed by Martin Rochlin, Ph.D., 1977

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
4. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
5. Isn’t it possible that all you need is a good Gay lover?
6. Heterosexuals have histories of failures in Gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?
7. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn’t prefer that?
8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
9. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
10. Your heterosexuality doesn’t offend me as long as you don’t try to force it on me. Why do you people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
11. If you choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?
12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
13. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive heterosexual object choice and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, natural, healthy, God-given homosexual potential?
15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
16. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
17. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual, considering the menace of overpopulation?
19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really want to. Have you considered aversion therapy?
20. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

Are you a Homosexual Masochist? by Joe Kort

Since writing my book, “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives” in August, 2003 I have had the opportunity to travel across the country meeting gay men. I have to admit I was taken by surprise that my book sold so well in places like Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York.

As a Mid-western man from Detroit Michigan, I thought my book would be more helpful to gay men in more conservative areas. However when I was at the Different Light Bookstore in the heart of San Francisco, I asked the men who came to my booksigning, “Why do you think this book has done so well out here? In a community where you are living openly gay lives, holding hands on the streets, with gay life all around you on billboards, street corners and even in party stores selling gay magazines as if gay life were just mainstream – what did I say that reached you?” They surprised me by reminding me, “Joe, you have to remember, we didn’t come from here. Your book reminded us of the internalized homophobia we still carry that is unresolved from where we came from.” 

Wow! That made total sense. Most of these men fled the homophobic and heterosexist places they came from for this freedom, but still had unresolved issues. My book offered them a way to finish them.

Homophobia, an unrealistic fear of gays/lesbians, affects all of us in this culture – straight and gay alike. It’s characterized by a generalized negative attitude towards homosexuals, if not outright feelings of hatred. Gays and lesbians learn to be homophobic toward each other was well and then turn it onto themselves. The very thing we grew up learning to hate is inside us. The enemy is within. We experience internalized homophobia as a result of growing up in a culture that allows/encourages discrimination against homosexuals. Internalized homophobia can cause or contribute to lowered self-esteem, intense shame, chemical dependency, and a generalized alienation from one’s true self. It truly is homosexual masochism!

Whether you are gay or straight, spend a little time answering the questionnaire below. There are no “correct” answers—just what is true for you. 

This survey was developed by A.E. Moses & R. D. Hawkins, Jr. and I have further adapted it:

1. Do you stop yourself from doing or saying certain things because someone might think you’re gay? If yes, what kinds of things?

2. Do you ever intentionally do or say things so that people will think you are NOT gay? Like what?

3. Do you believe gays/lesbians can influence others to become homosexual? Do you think someone could influence you to change your sexual and affectional preference?

4. If you are a parent (straight or gay), how would you (or do you) feel about having a gay child?

5. How do you think you would feel if you discovered that one of your parents, parent figures, or siblings were gay or lesbian?

6. Are there any jobs, positions or professions that you think lesbians/gays should be barred from holding or entering? If yes, which ones and why?

7. If someone you care about were to say to you, “I think I’m gay,” would you suggest that person see a therapist?

8. Have you ever been to a gay/lesbian bar, social club, party or march? If not, why?

9. Would you wear a button that says, “How dare you assume I’m Heterosexual”?

10. Can you think of three positive aspects of being gay? Three negative things?

11. Have you ever laughed at a “queer” joke?

12. Do you think it is wrong to live in a “gay ghetto”? If so why? What about Jewish individuals who prefer to live in Jewish neighborhoods, or Arab-Americans who prefer to live in primarily Arabic neighborhoods, etc. Do you have the same reaction to them?

How the Grinch Stole Marriage

by Mary Ann Horton, Lisa and Bill Koontz

(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

Every Gay down in Gayville liked Gay Marriage a lot……
But the Grinch, who lived just east of Gayville, did NOT!!

The Grinch hated happy Gays! The whole Marriage season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, his Florsheims were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all was
His heart and brain were two sizes too small.

"And they’re buying their tuxes!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow’s the first Gay Wedding! It’s practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Gay Marriage from coming!"

For, tomorrow, he knew… All the Gay girls and boys
would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their vows!
And then! Oh, the Joys! Oh, the Joys!

And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Gay down in Gayville the tall and the small,
would stand close together, all happy and blissing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Gays would start kissing!

"I MUST stop Gay Marriage from coming! …But HOW?"

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GRINCH GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know what to do!" The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he went to his closet, grabbed his sheet and his hood.
And he chuckled, and clucked, with a great Grinchy word!
"With this beard and this cross, I look just like our Lord!"

"All I need is a Scripture…" The Grinch looked around.
But, true Scripture is scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…? No! The Grinch simply said,
"With no Scripture on Marriage, I’ll fake one instead!"
"It’s one man and one woman," the Grinch falsely said.

Then he broke in the courthouse. A rather tight pinch.
But, if Georgie could do it, then so could the Grinch.
The little Gay benefits hung in a row.
"These bennies," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most uncanny,
around the whole room, and he took every benny!
Health care for partners! Doctors for kiddies!
Tax rights! Adoptions! Pensions and Wills!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, with a chill,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, in his bill.

Then he slunk to the kitchen, and stole Wedding Cake.
He cleaned out that icebox and made it look straight.
He took the Gay-bar keys! He took the Gay Flag.
Why, that Grinch even took their last Gay birdseed bag!

"And NOW!" grinned the Grinch, "I will pocket their Rings."
And the Grinch grabbed the Rings, and he started to shove
when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and off flew his hood.
Little Lisa-Bi Gay behind him sadly stood.
The Grinch had been caught by small Lisa-Bi.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "My, oh, my, why?"
"Why are you taking our Wedding Rings? WHY?"

But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Shepherd sneered,
"The judges are evil, the other states weird."
"I’ll fix the rings there and I’ll bring them back here."

It was quarter past dawn… All the Gays, still a-bed,
all the Gays still a-snooze when he packed up and fled.
"Pooh-Pooh to the Gays!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They’re finding out now no Gay Marriage is coming!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
then the Gays down in Gayville will all cry Boo-Hoo!"

He stared down at Gayville! The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Gay down in Gayville, the tall and the small,
was kissing! Without any bennies at all!
He HADN’T stopped Marriage from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without lawyers, no papers to sort!"
"It came without licenses, came without courts!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!

"Maybe Marriage," he thought, "doesn’t come from the court.
Maybe Marriage…perhaps… comes right from the heart.
Maybe Marriage comes from all the words the Gays say.
Words like Husband, like Wedding, and Spouse who is Gay."
And what happened then…? Well…in Gayville they say
that the Grinch’s small brain grew three sizes that day!

And the Gays had their Weddings. They promised for life.
They swore to be faithful, to Wife and her Wife.
The Husbands were happy, to each other they vowed
To be Out and be Honest, be Gay and be Proud.
They told all their neighbors and friends of their Spouse,
They told of their Marriage and sharing their house.
They said "We got Married." They shouted it loud.
Their marital status was "Married and Proud."

And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light.
And he brought back the rings, cake and Gay birdseed bags!
And he… …HE HIMSELF… hung the Gay Rainbow Flag!
…
The Lord looked down, at the proud and the tall,
and said "These are my children, and I love them all."

The moral of this story is that we don’t need a piece of paper and the approval of the state to get married. We can just get married. Instead of having a commitment ceremony, we can have a wedding. Instead of partners, we can have husbands and wives. Instead of calling our relationship a Domestic Partnership or a Civil Union, we can call it a Marriage. Whether any government recognizes it is separate from what we call it. It’s a free country and we can call ourselves what we like.

In 5 or 10 or 20 years, with plenty of visible same-sex married couples, the world won’t see us as strange or scary, we’re just the married couple down the street that happens to be gay. Eventually, the legal recognization of our marriages will follow.

If we allow ourselves to voluntarily sit in the back of the bus, we’ll never make any progress. Rosa Parks had to sit in the front of the bus to make a difference. We must as well.

Copyright (c) 2004 by Mary Ann Horton. Permission granted to copy in whole, with attribution. This is a parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."

“YOU BELONG TO ME”

The Truth about Sexual Abuse

By Joe Kort, MSW

This article’s title reflects the perpetrator’s belief, that the victim now belongs to him/her, to do with as he/she desires; that his or her sexual needs, wants and sexuality overrules those of the victim’s. The victim will spend a lifetime unconsciously reenacting their original sexual abuse or, hopefully, working on healing it and removing the ill effects of the perpetrator’s abuse. For sexual abuse survivors, the nightmare is that they are forced to keep a sexual secret. Their tormentor threatens to harm them or someone they love if they ever tell.  So they don’t—giving the perpetrator even more power. By not going through the healing process, the victim does belong to their perpetrator.

Sexual abuse complicates and confuses an individual’s developing awareness of sexuality. It does not make a person gay, straight, bisexual or force sexual or romantic orientation in any direction.  However, it can imprint unwanted behaviors or absence of behaviors and desires—and herein lies the problem—leaving a person’s real sexual desires hidden, even to him/herself.

A Definition of Sexual Abuse

Whenever one person dominates and exploits another person through sexual activity or suggestion, using sexual feelings and behavior to degrade, humiliate, control, injure or or misuse, this qualifies as sexual abuse. In The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse author and educator Wendy Maltz equates sexual abuse with a violation of a position of trust, power and protection, “an act on a child who lacks emotional & intellectual maturation.” It promotes sexual secrecy among its victims, so that even their own sexual drives, libido, orientation and desires become secrets to themselves.

Overt sexual abuse involves direct touching, fondling and intercourse , against a person’s will. A few examples include French kissing, fellatio, sodomy, penetration with objects, genitals and fingers, and masturbation. Use of force is typically involved—often physical, but more often psychological or emotional, such as difference in status or experience, as in employee/employer, adult/child, older boy/younger boy.

Covert sexual abuse is more subtle and indirect. Examples of this include prolonged hugs, sexual stares, inappropriate comments about body parts such as buttocks or genitals, shaming someone for the kind of man they are, (or more frequently, homophobic name-calling), or treating a child as an adult or even a partner for emotional support. Books like Pat Love’s Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When A Parent’s Love Rules Your life and Kenneth M. Adams’s Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners: Understanding Covert Incest do a great job in reviewing and detailing covert sexual abuse’s negative effects.    

Both gays and straights make the mistake of connecting sexual abuse with homosexuality. Their main rationale is that gays and lesbians, must have been sexually abused; and that being “homosexual,” means you are a pedophile. This derives from the old psychoanalytic theory that one’s sexual orientation is created in the first few years of development, and that if any trauma or negative influences “impair” it, then adolescence offers a second chance at correcting one’s heterosexuality gone wrong.  Sexual abuse was assumed to be one of the primary reasons that one could get “confused” and turn away from innate heterosexuality.

Too many of today’s therapists still consider this true. Some therapists, even gay and lesbian therapists, still see adolescence as a time to help homosexual teenagers re-learn “how to be heterosexual.” Many insist that homosexual clients must have been sexually abused  I have many gay and lesbian clients who still believe this, telling me they must have been sexually abused in their past, even if they have no memory of such a thing.  And those who were sexually abused assume that the abuse explains why they’re gay. So the myth persists, and confusion continues over sexual abuse and its effects on gays and lesbians.

            Contrary to what so many psychotherapists would like to believe, there is no evidence that sexual abuse can shape, much less create, anyone’s sexual orientation: The only thing it can do is confuse young people about what their sexual orientation really is. However, with good therapy and healing, the sexually abused can come to know their true sexual and romantic orientation, be it gay or straight.

Disclosing Your Sexual Abuse

Male survivors of sexual abuse often worry that in seeking help, they’ll be perceived as “less of a man.”  They worry they will be seen as less masculine. Of course the male survivor of sexual abuse fears what others will think of him because, as Maltz says, “our society gives boys the message that men should be able to stand up for themselves and fight off danger. They’re also told that if a man gets hurt, he should go it alone instead of seeking help.” 

Many people already believe the old stereotype that gay men are “more like women.”  Even gay men themselves will discriminate against effeminate men, saying, “If I wanted women, I’d have been straight,” and many gay personal ads specify, “No fems.”  This all creates the mindset that being gay—or at least, not a macho man—makes you less than masculine. So for gay men to tell others about their abuse would only add to the insult that they are less of a man. Imagine the profound double bind of being gay and having been sexually abused! “Because most abuse of males is perpetrated by other males,” writes Maltz, “heterosexual male victims may worry that they will be seen as homosexual if others hear the details of what occurred. Gay men,” he continues, “may wonder if the abuse made them gay.”

On the other hand, women are more inclined to go to therapy. They may not initially realize that they’ve been sexually abused, but should they discover it during therapy, they are more willing to deal with it head-on than their male counterparts. Lesbians are concerned that their therapist will try to insist that this abuse is what “turned them into” lesbians and/or might worry that this is in fact the case.  Gay men also get this type of feedback and can worry about this. It’s important to arm yourself with as much information about sexual abuse as you can. Learn—for yourself,—where you stand as a sexual abuse survivor. Do not accept how your perpetrator, therapists, family or anyone else want to define you. You need to belong to yourself, as you really have all along!