Wendy Gritter of Exodus Member Ministry New Direction
Recently we became aware of Wendy Gritter’s keynote talk (mp3) at the Exodus leadership conference in January. Wendy is the executive director of an Exodus member ministry in Canada called New Direction. While it is what most here would describe as an ex-gay ministry, many things about it are unexpected. For one, you won’t find them using that term, “ex-gay” or many others associated with an Exodus ministry. Whether this is for show, or a sincere attempt to be different, you are free to explore here.
Many of her suggestions echo our own pleas to ex-gay ministries over the years; stop political lobbying, stop emphasizing “change,” genuine respect for those who are comfortable with their sexual orientation (even though this may come from a personal understanding of Scripture which diverges from their own), recognizing and removing the underlying tone which says that ex-ex-gays just didn’t try hard enough, and on and on.
We thought Wendy might just be a breath of fresh Canadian air and asked her to write a guest post to spur on discussion. What might Exodus, or any ex-gay ministry, be like if they were to take these suggestions to heart? What does it mean that an ex-gay ministry which may just “get it” more than any so far, grew out of a country largely unfriendly to the kind of fundamentalism that often surrounds their US counterparts? How close does New Direction come to your idea of what a fair ex-gay ministry should be, if it is to be at all?
Wendy will be available to respond off and on in comments, so don’t spare the hard questions. Her post follows:
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Thank you for the invitation to write this piece. To be honest, my knees are knocking a bit.
I want to begin by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the pain that some of those who follow this site have experienced from leaders like me and ministries like the one I lead. I’m sorry that some of you connected with this site who identify as Christian have had your faith questioned and judged. I’m sorry there is a felt need for a site like XGW. I’m sorry that it feels like legitimate concerns have not been listened to. I am sorry for the arrogance that can come across from leaders like me.
I suppose I’m not what some would assume to be your typical ex-gay leader. I’m not gay, not ex-gay, not ex-ex-gay. Not male. Not Southern Baptist. Not Republican. Not even American. I’m a Gen X postmodern whose perspectives are, depending on who you talk to, too liberal or too conservative, unorthodox or too orthodox, heretical or vibrantly Christ-centered.
The ministry I lead is over 20 years old. I’ve been at the helm for the last 6 years – although truth be told, the first 2 years I was just trying to get my head around what the heck God had called me to. It’s been the wildest learning curve of my life.
I deeply believe that God’s intention for sexual expression is the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman. God has also deeply convicted me of my own pride in assuming that I had a perfect pipeline to God and everyone who disagreed with me was simply deceived by the enemy or putting their own wants and desires ahead of commitment to God. I have had the opportunity that many conservatives have not had – and that is to come to know people who have deeply and honestly sought God through prayer and scripture and come to a different conclusion than I. Their faith was not trivial nor superficial, and though there were points of disagreement, I respect their deep commitment to God. And so, I’ve come to a place where I’m grateful that God has humbled me and given me the opportunity to listen, learn and engage with those who come to different perspectives.
I don’t think my job is to change the minds of all those who think differently than I do. As an eclectic Calvinist, I believe God is the one who convicts and reroutes us in our minds and hearts. My job is to walk in step with the Spirit and do my very best to do what he tells me to do. I find a lot of affinity in the words attributed to St. Francis, “Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.” As I work and serve, I find more often than not that what the Spirit whispers for me to do is to simply focus on serving and loving those he brings across my path.
I do think there needs to be a safe place within the Christian community for those who experience same-gender attraction who have wrestled with scripture and come to believe a traditional biblical sexual ethic. I believe we have a long way to go to eradicate hateful and homophobic environments and responses in the Christian community. We have a long way to go to demolish the pervasive hierarchy of sin. And we have a long way to go to counter-act the perpetual sense of shame that many experience due to the reality of their same-gender attraction.
I work towards the day when a follower of Jesus who experiences same-gender attraction can be honest and open about that reality and receive support and encouragement in living a life that is pleasing to God. And I feel particularly called to do that within the conservative church.
I also feel called to speak to the conservative church about some of the ways I believe we have been distracted from the primary calling to support and encourage deeply devoted disciples of Jesus Christ.
- We have been distracted by the politics around homosexuality. I do think there is a place for Christians to engage in the public arena. God calls his followers to be a blessing to all nations and to represent him by being the presence of shalom on the earth. Unfortunately, in many of the Christian political efforts regarding homosexuality there is little evidence of shalom. The result is that many who need to hear a gospel of good news perceive God’s people to be hypocritical and unloving (“you say you love us – but you’re fighting to prevent/take our rights”). This has perpetuated a sense of alienation that I believe, grieves the heart of God.
- We have been distracted by a focus on orientation change. The heart of Christian ministry was summed up by Jesus when he said, “Go, make disciples, teaching them to obey everything I’ve commanded you”. The point of a ministry like the one I lead is to support and encourage disciples of Jesus in their journey to live out their sexuality in a manner that they believe is God-honoring. If in that process they experience a deeper ability to love their opposite gender spouse (if they were already married) or a greater capacity to engage an authentic romantic, sexual, marital relationship with someone of the opposite gender, that is a gift that can be gratefully received. But such gifts can’t be predicted, they can’t be guaranteed, they don’t follow a set of instructions, or come after just the right combination of root identification and eradication. There is a sense of mystery that necessitates an attitude of humility, discussion of realistic expectations, and serenity. So at the end of the day, “change is possible” is not really the main point. Life in Christ is.
- We have been distracted by the question of causation. While there is clearly a place for research on this topic, and those involved in ministry should have the integrity to stay abreast of current research, by and large the conclusions (or lack of conclusion) on this matter are peripheral to the call of Christian ministry. Because there is currently such inconclusiveness on this question, conservative Christians would do well to humbly acknowledge that rather than being perceived as ill-informed, blinder-wearing, or agenda-promoting.
In light of some of these distractions, New Direction Ministries, under our current leadership, have laid out some distinctives for ministry:
- We are pastorally-focused, not politically driven.
- We are relationally-focused, not program driven.
- We are discipleship-focused, not change driven.
- We are partnership-focused, not empire driven.
Our Core Values are to be relational, respectful, relevant and redemptive.
I acknowledge that there have been people who have connected with our ministry who have left feeling hurt, confused and uncertain about how to go on with their life having not experienced change. I wish I could pass the buck and say all of that happened before my time. Sexuality is incredibly complex. People are complex. Their stories, their experiences, and their journeys are unique. In this midst of this complex uniqueness, as ministers of the gospel we don’t always get it right, we don’t always discern appropriately. I hope, that as a ministry, we are learning and growing and improving. I hope that we have created an environment that is open and safe regardless of what happens with someone’s attractions. I know our staff are open to engage people where they’re at. If people disengage from the ministry, which could happen for a multitude of different reasons, we hope that they would always feel they could return for a hot cup of coffee and be received with warmth, caring and respect – regardless of where they might land on the ex-gay ~ ex-ex-gay continuum. When we can, we try to follow-up with those who have left while respecting their privacy and right to be left alone as well. We believe God loves unconditionally and, though regularly faced with our own limitations, we seek to imitate him.
I see a lot of triumphalistic “name it, claim it” kind of stuff in the church and it always makes me nervous. I don’t particularly see evidence that the Christian journey should be about getting all the things we want – or even about our individual happiness. We see in Jesus Christ someone who poured himself out for the world and he calls his followers to imitate him. Frankly, Christians aren’t very good at pouring ourselves out for others, especially for those who disagree with us. The world sees this – and it compromises our ability to share the love and life of God with our neighbors. At the risk of being misunderstood or called heretics, we want to engage, listen, and be the presence of Christ with those who hold differing perspectives. We want to hang out with all the folks that make church leaders nervous (and frankly want to be the kind of people who make church leaders nervous) – because we know that is who Jesus was and what Jesus did. We do this, in part, because there is more common ground than might be initially apparent. And I think there could be more understanding and respect.
I’ve been very encouraged by some of the conversations I’ve had over the years that were respectful, charitable and gracious. For all the caricatures Christians may have of gay people, I have encountered a whole array of responses – some not so nice – but many kind and thoughtful. I’m very grateful to those who, though personally holding a gay affirmative perspective, have acknowledged a place and even a need for a ministry like New Direction. And in those conversations, you’ve earned the right to keep us sharp and on our toes. You’ve been an interesting accountability partner at times – and my hope is that I will continue to be open to hear any appropriate critique that is offered. Likewise, I hope that in my engagement and offering of input, I will also earn the right to speak – particularly with those who name the name of Jesus Christ. The perception of polarization and enmity between Christians of differing minds on sexual ethics is so damaging to a unified Christian witness to an increasingly post-Christian, skeptical generation. I want to be part of doing something about that.
So, we seek to be a nuanced, moderate voice in this area of ministry. The attempt at introducing this level of nuance has, in part, been impacted by listening to the critique of people like those represented at XGW. The listening process has, at times, been difficult and frustrating. It can be discouraging to feel “lumped in” with others, despite real attempts to chart our own distinct course. It can be painful to reach an impasse and feel there is no way through. It is disappointing to be accused of being disingenuous in attempts at bridge-building.
But I’m grateful for this journey none-the-less. Because in the process, we have felt compelled to put “first things first” and recognize when second place things were encroaching on an essential focus on Jesus Christ. One of the contributors to XGW at one point, somewhere, said something like, “The mission of ex-gay ministries should be to support those, who for religious reasons, seek to not be mastered by their experience of same-gender attraction.” I think that is pretty darn close to what I would suggest too.
I am deeply passionate about contributing to a climate where anyone questioning, struggling or embracing an alternative sexual identity can encounter the presence of Jesus Christ. My focus in this area of engagement is unapologetically Christ-centered. Some might say that by the very nature of holding a traditional sexual ethic, I contribute to the inaccessibility of the gospel for gay and lesbian people. I believe the power of the gospel is not thwarted by a call to radical discipleship. And my prayer is that as we, at New Direction, commit ourselves to loving, serving and building bridges with same-gender attracted people, Jesus will be seen in and through us.
Thank you for the opportunity to share my heart for Christian ministry from a conservative perspective. I look forward to further conversation.
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Wendy Gritter is the executive director of New Direction Ministries of Canada. For more information on New Direction: www.newdirection.ca
[…] on over to ExGayWatch and read Wendy Gritter’s guest post. No comments here so you can enter the dialogue over […]
Wendy,
This is incredibly encouraging to read.
I will be praying that the Lord continue to bless you with wisdom, both in the day-to-day ministry of New Direction, and the broader discussion surrounding ex-gay issues. It would delight me to see your philosophy of ministry take root throughout Exodus and the Church at large, particularly as it seeks to minister to those who are affected by same-gender attractions and convicted of a traditional sexual ethic.
James
How refreshing to read. Thank you for a clear forthright epistle.
I admit I was preparing to grit my teeth and formulate a defensive posture when I started reading Ms. Gritter’s thoughts about homosexuals, marriage and church. Perhaps I have been jaded by some of my own experiences with religious people. But, reading this, I let down my defenses and I discover I would feel rather comfortable discussing with Wendy some aspects of my life …in an environment where we could be drinking a hot cup of cocoa or coffee.
The key word here is: respect. It’s a two-way street.
And would Ms Gritter respect me less if I had marshmallows in my cocoa?
Tip my hat to the lady.
Wendy,
I so appreciate your sentiment. I agree with your perspective on ex-gay ministry. It was a God thing that you were able to have a voice at the Exodus leaders conference. I have been daydreaming about this for some time, as I know others have wanted to see this voice represented in Exodus as well.
You have many other Exodus ministry folks nodding their heads in agreement. May God continue to give you wisdom, strength and love as you minister.
Wendy (and many of us) need to be aware that several Christian denominations, including the United Church of Canada, believe that sexual orientation–including homosexuality–is a gift of God and doesn’t need changing. Despite Wendy’s softer rhetoric, she is motivated by the belief that homosexuality is against God’s design, and she apparently teaches this to her flock. Poor sheep!
As a Canadian who’s met with one of the leaders of New Directions in Manitoba (They’ve changed their name over here to Living Waters) and I have to say even our ex-gays are a lot better than those in the states. They’re often a lot more diplomatic and a lot less hostile but that’s partially because up here the fight against gay marriage has already been lost.
That said, it also all depends on their audience I’ve found. Sometimes they’re incredibly diplomatic and sometimes they’re a lot more dogmatic. Either way they do tend to be a lot better than the ones in the states. The problem is that a view of the Bible that requires gays and lesbians to live celibately ultimately needs to come from a fundamentalist approach to Scripture. I know the leader of the group in Winnipeg when talking to a few friends of mine put the resurrection of Christ on the same level as homosexuality being a sin.
The biggest threat they do pose to gay Christians though is that they’re often used by the conservative Church to justify their treatment of gays. I was actually kicked out of a Church I was practically unpaid staff in because I refused to go see one of their leaders. They really are entirely lax on making Churches understand that gays are really people. They don’t promote the message that we’re not, but they don’t affirm that we are people.
Wendy:
Another Canuck here.
Couple of questions.
1) Would you define your use/understanding of the term conservative for me?
2) Knowing the political goals of Exodus International why does Canada’s New Direction affiliate?
While you are clear on your website you aren’t interested in political battles (moot point with passage of C-38) what does New Direction gain affiliating with a US political parachurch group?
3) What Canadian denominations do most of your clients come from and what are they charged (financially)?
4) Do you do referral clients you feel unqualified to assist to professional mental health services?
5) How many offices of New Directions are now operating in Canada and what are the professional requirements of your staff?
5) How is that safe place within the “Christian” (pentecostal?) community coming along?
I see your website uses the term ‘thousands’ helped.
I respect what appears to be the more realistic reporting of your website traffic and queries on the website sidebar.
Thanks.
Hi Everyone,
I absolutely welcome more respectful and accepting dialogue about homosexuality from people of all faiths. No matter what words are used to express beliefs, the fact is that many will continue to come from the perspective that homosexuality and same-sex relationships are outside of what they see as “God’s will” or “design.”
To that end, I think it is important for us to ask why we seek to engage in these types of discussions. What difference does it make if a gay, bi, lesbian or trans teen, raised in a conservative religious family, is exposed or forced to attend any ministry that believes his or her sexual orientation to be an aberration, regardless of how it is expressed?
Again, I think we ALL benefit from purposefully having these conversations, from every side, in respectful ways. There is a broader question that I pose: To what end are we seeking to have these conversations? And, what is our ultimate goal? I admit the bias of my own experiences, but we are deluding ourselves if we think that nicer language erases the harmful effects that ex-gay programs/ministries have on youth and adults.
Wendy,
Thank you and God bless you!!!!!! You are truly a breath of fresh air!
Wendy: Thank you for such a thoughtful opening letter. I studied your site and saw no mention of gender identity disorder (GID). I still wish to raise a question to you, and hope that is all right.
[Painting with a broad brush: GID is often described as dysphoria, that is an extreme internal conflict, internal chaos, sense of incongruity, and/or lack of peace concerning a person’s birth-assigned gender and their own self-perceived gender. We, with GID, often wish to ‘change’ from conflict to peace; we don’t wish to ‘change’ our sexual orientation.]
I am wondering how (or to whom) you direct your clients that decide to become at peace with their changing gender identity, and wish to further their transition toward the opposite of their birth-assigned gender? How do you welcome them back and let them go multiple times? That is, how does your ministry create an open door for people with GID to go back and forth, or to explore, so to speak?
To explain my concerns further: In the world of GID, I encourage my Christian friends with GID to go slow, explore carefully, and make small changes over time. In some cases, the friend may choose to pursue ‘reversal’ towards a ’stronger birth-assigned gender’, and I encourage that as well. After all, God can give miracles, and I’m not in the business of making up God’s mind for Him.
My concern is that my friends (that attempt reversal) may join a Christian ministry group for peace and support as they explore reversal. They will normally join an ex-GLB group (finding an ex-GID group almost never happens). However, they instead sense that within a Christian group that ‘struggle’ or ‘conflict’ is an accepted norm among the GLB group members (which can quite add to the GID person’s own sense of dysphoria). They not only find no peace, but mention that the ‘open door’ to leave the group is not very open at all, but paved with a sense of guilt or failure.
People with GID tend to explore going forward, and then explore reversal, and then, ideally seek out a place on the gender spectrum that works for them. I sometimes think that we, with GID, are better called ‘explorers’ than called ‘strugglers’. Based on Romans chapter 14, and II Corinthians chapter 12, I encourage such a thoughtful, prayerful, and individual approach.
It seems to me, the reality is that the Christian community has trouble allowing such deliberate, thoughtful, prayerful, and gentle ‘exploration’, and leans towards ‘decisions’, ‘repentance’, ‘taking a stand against the enemy’, and other extreme measures that create a form of ‘emotional gravity’, if you will. Perhaps these extreme concepts work for some within the GLB; but these are often a disaster for the GID folks. For the exploring person with GID, this can add to the sense of dysphoria all the more. And, in order to escape such a ‘pull of gravity’, they may explode like a rocket engine towards space and go far deeper into transition than needed for their current level of dysphoria.
And, they may not only escape the pull of bad counsel, but worst of all in my mind, they race as far from Christ Jesus as possible.
Have you therefore considered creating an environment that allows a GID client the ability to explore? Have you considered a similar environment for the GLB ‘explorers’ who are perhaps not ‘strugglers’?
Bene,
Let’s keep this a discussion and not an interrogation. Try to keep your comments down to one or two questions. Thanks
Hello Bene,
I’ll do my best to respond to your questions:
1) Would you define your use/understanding of the term conservative for me?
What I meant by “conservative” in my post was the reference to those who hold a traditional biblical sexual ethic.
2) Knowing the political goals of Exodus International why does Canada’s New Direction affiliate?
While you are clear on your website you aren’t interested in political battles (moot point with passage of C-38) what does New Direction gain affiliating with a US political parachurch group?
New Direction has had a relationship with Exodus since the ministry began in the mid-eighties. I guess I might make the analogy to a family - a family grows and faces difference and sometimes there are tensions and disagreements …. but where there is a sense of family you honour the relationship through growing pains and finding your own sense of identity. Honour is an important value for me - and while I might not have made some of the decisions that Exodus has made, I do honour their love for Christ and commitment to offer Christian support to same-gender attracted people. Truth be told, I have had my ambivalence about maintaining an affiliation with Exodus because there can be such negative perceptions about them. There is a part of me that would want to take distance from that. On the other hand, I have sensed God leading me to stay and seek to engage positively and offer input towards a more “bridge building Exodus”. It will be interesting to see how things develop over the next year or so. I have made it clear that the time may come when New Direction may move beyond a formal relationship with Exodus. Our focus on building bridges for effective ministry in the Canadian context will always be our priority - and if a relationship with Exodus hinders that - ministry will come first. It will be interesting to see, when the dust clears, if there will continue to be a place in Exodus for a leader like me.
3) What Canadian denominations do most of your clients come from and what are they charged (financially)?
Contacts to our ministry are an eclectic bunch. I would say many come from what could be described as evangelical churches. We’ve also had Catholics, Orthodox, mainliners ….. and frankly we’ve also had Muslims and Hindus. Much of our ministry is of a more informal nature - focusing on discipleship, mentoring, spiritual direction, support ….. and there are no financial charges associated with this kind of front-line ministry. When individuals determine that they want to engage a more formal counseling process, our counseling session fees are $70/session. Most of the Christian counselors in our area charge $85/session and up. Additionally, we have a policy of not turning away anyone due to inability to pay - so we do a lot of subsidizing of fees.
4) Do you do referral clients you feel unqualified to assist to professional mental health services?
Absolutely. We’re grateful to have built relationships with top notch professionals with a variety of specialities. In addition, if someone in the process of working out their sexuality came to a different perspective and no longer felt that connecting with our ministry was a fit, we would refer them to another counselor or organization where they would experience support and a sense of belonging.
5) How many offices of New Directions are now operating in Canada and what are the professional requirements of your staff?
We are working with contacts in about 15 Canadian cities. In each of these regions, we are connecting with volunteers who are at various stages of readiness to offer informal friendship and support to same-gender attracted people and/or work with churches in their area to promote relational engagement with same-gender attracted people. We are not seeking to establish offices per sae in these locations, but do seek to work with a local advisory committee in each area to provide support and accountability for the volunteers on the front-lines.
For any staff who are actually engaged in counselling, they all have masters level degrees in counseling. Our volunteers have varying levels of training, experience, and equipping - and their involvement in ministry is matched to their level of experience and training.
As we move forward, we will be moving towards a more informal model of ministry rather than trying to move towards a more formalized form of ministry.
We would rather focus on genuine relational support through friendship and mentoring than counseling - particularly as we work with volunteers across the country.
5) How is that safe place within the “Christian” (pentecostal?) community coming along?
I see your website uses the term ‘thousands’ helped.
I respect what appears to be the more realistic reporting of your website traffic and queries on the website sidebar.
As I recall, our website suggests that we have “touched the lives of thousands impacted by the realities of same-gender attraction”…. we did not say “thousands have been helped”. With 23 years of ministry under our belt and connecting with a few hundred a year, it is, I believe, an accurate description to say we’ve touched the lives of thousands. We are not saying that “thousands have experienced change” or any such thing…. but rather that we have been available for conversation, support and encouragement for thousands over our years of being a faithful presence.
You ask how is the “safe place coming along” …. slowly. I am encouraged to speak to pastors who are genuinely very open hearted to engage with same-gender attracted people. But they also have a lot of uncertainty in knowing how to go about that…. and often feel like bringing change into the congregation at large is still a daunting task. There is still a lot of fear and homophobia within the church to be sure….. but we try to work with those churches that have some degree of readiness to begin with rather than smacking our heads against the brick wall of a church that isn’t any where close to really engaging some of the complexities of sexual identity. I would also mention that in urban centers, many more people have gay friends and are open and eager to talk about how to engage in respectful, relevant ways….. and frankly more and more families have gay loved ones - and they too really want to know how to navigate a loving and respectful relationship with their loved ones. So this has also contributed to a greater openness to our focus in ministry.
You mentioned Pentecostals specifically, so I should mention that I have been very encouraged in working with the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada. There have been some very open and engaging leaders within this denomination, eager to work with us, to learn and be challenged. In fact, I will be leading a workshop at their national conference this year - with the focus being equipping the church to engage and befriend our gay neighbors.
So, I am hopeful - but also realistic about the uphill climb ahead of us.
Hello Caryn,
Thank you for your questions and sharing your insights. I would be the first to say that I have a long way to go to better understand how to engage in helpful ways with those navigating GID.
I appreciated your comment “In the world of GID, I encourage my Christian friends with GID to go slow, explore carefully, and make small changes over time.” That seems wise and open to the Spirit of God at work in each individual’s unique journey.
My focus in engaging the church is to create a spaciousness for people to belong while they explore faith and sexuality. I would see this the same for the person dealing with GID. My primary focus is that people are afforded every opportunity to encounter the presence of Christ in the midst of their current reality. Part of that process means that God’s people need to be gentle and sensitive to the vulnerabilities and complexities of an individual’s journey.
I appreciated your observation that some move towards a ‘reversal’ and your openness to that for certain individuals. In a similar manner, I would observe that some in their spiritual journey move towards transition - and I would want to have the same generousity of spirit to recognize the need to offer individuals the freedom to do so - without the assumption that their faith is somehow counterfeit.
I am humbled by a keen sense of not being able to grasp the unique challenges of experiencing GID. I have come to know an intersexed person, I know someone excited and keen to finally have ‘bottom surgery’, and know several men who are dealing or have dealt with cross-dressing …. these are all very different situations, all very complex…. but in every situation I have encountered precious people who are seeking to navigate spiritual journeys as well as their sense of gender.
I would hope that New Direction would be part of the advocacy to promote a welcoming environment for individuals with GID to encounter Christ and explore spirituality in the midst of a loving and accepting community.
Along the way, I try to listen and learn as much as I can - and am grateful that you and others share with us your experiences and insights.
God bless.
I’ll take “softer rhetoric” over the other kind any day. Wendy, you seem like someone who would hug me and mean it. Thank you so much.
I think that this represents what many in the “emerging” church movement long for: a sense of belonging, relational approaches to issues that are very close to individuals, and a general concern for the wellbeing of these people. I thank God for you, Wendy. Even though I disagree wholeheartedly over this issue, I am thankful that you are listening to His Spirit.
Like Allyson said, “I’ll take “softer rhetoric” over the other kind any day. Wendy, you seem like someone who would hug me and mean it. Thank you so much.”
Namaste
Wendy,
I have a cousin that is living as a homosexual and cross-dresser. She (he) is a beautiful person but is highly resentful of all Christians. She feels persecuted by the right-wing political movement seeking to hamper rights for gays and lesbians. (Not that I blame her.)
I am a born-again Christian but I have found it difficult to align my acceptance of my cousin with scripture. I confess that I believe that homosexuality is sin but so is drinking to intoxication, stealing, adultery, etc. I would not be the first to cast a stone.
And as for my question, how can I help my very bitter cousin to seek a relationship with Christ? Even the mention of Christ or Christianity is enough to cause her to go into a verbal tirade. What can I do to represent the Lord that will not throw more sand in her eyes? Any advice is appreciated.
Most sincerely, your sister in Christ,
Mel
If you are Exodus affiliated, how do you feel about Alan Chambers - the head of Exodus - being so politically involved?
I think that Wendy’s ministry is a breath of fresh air. Just like there are those who vehemently oppose a priest’s vow of celibacy, nonetheless, they must train themselves to be celibate. A same sex attracted person who wants to fit with their belief system will need a place to go to achieve that goal. gay-affirming and ex-gay ministry can co-exist peacefully.
Wendy: Thank you much for your thoughtful answer. I think your heart understands Matthew 23:23 - the weightier matters of the Law are indeed the practice of mercy, the teachings of faithfulness to our God, and the giving of justice to the least. May Jesus therefore strengthen your hands, give you courage, and measure back to you the same measurements you are giving.
“To him who is able to keep you from falling, and present you before His glorious presence without fault, and with great joy” — to Him, I give thanks this eve. Your heart is one more encouragement among many others that our Lord has given to my heart these last months: Alan Chambers beginning dialog; Stanton Jones and Mark Yarhouse citing numbers rather than citing slogans; Warren Throckmorton listening to the desires of his clients and offering that the transgender are in a ‘gray area’; Mark Yarhouse reaching out to understand the transgenders and even those with GID.
I hope for the day when the church is known by non-believers as ‘those strange people that, even when they disagree, do it with such love’. And then, the world will once again know that we are His disciple-followers, and not just His sheep.
Much love in Christ always and unconditionally; Caryn
I think Wendy’s post is a heap of delusional gibberish (I’m tempted to say dishonest, but I don’t know Wendy, so I won’t assert that). It’s pretty much the same old crap wrapped up in a very beautiful and seductive package, like all good marketing programs.
A fundamental objective of all these outfits is to guide gay people away from living as they actually are and towards a life for which they are unsuited. Some of them may shout fundamentalist dogma, while others may speak softly with soothing comforting words, but the underlying substance is the same, with the differences being in the realm of style. If Wendy’s religion-based outfit were really different from all the others the objective would be to help troubled gay people accept who they are, and needless to say, it certainly wouldn’t be affiliated with Exodus.
I will assert as fact that full acceptance of gay people, including same sex marriage, is not only good for gays, it is good for all of society.
One of the biggest surprises in recent years for my partner and me has been the large number of people we see coming out of conventional marriages later in life, typically with children, and finally living as the gay people they always were but had denied. And then there are many married men who are still deeply closeted while seeking gay sex whenever they get the chance. They are neighbors, family members, friends, and other acquaintances. The sad part, of course, are the spouses who have been deceived and left behind, or remain in sterile marriages.
To a huge extent we can thank religious delusion for the continuing relentless campaign to maintain a social climate that produces unfulfilled frustrated lives along with their deceived spouses who are left hurting. The people and organizations who claim to be “pro-family” and want to “protect marriage” are actually promoting these dysfunctional marriages that are destined to fail.
A couple of thoughts:
There are some who say “you dare not be gay, son.”
“Become an ex-gay, and have a life in the sun.”
If you think that’s true,
here’s a question for you:
Would you want your daughter to marry one?
Many closeted guys have married a she.
For social approval it’s a major key.
What a fate for a girl.
The thought makes me hurl.
Just accept being gay as a way to be.
Thanks Wendy.
I appreciate your thoughtful response and your time. I wrote ND about a year ago and didn’t get a response. I appreciate you correcting me, I did not quote your site correctly.
As a Canadian evangelical trying to get info out, it sucks I have to come here.
I apologize if my questions came across as an interrogation.
Merci, salu.
Sorry David, I can’t take the broadcast journalist out of me. I’ve tried, I’ve really, really tried.;^)
Won’t happen again.
I understand Bene, esp if you have tried before to get answers to your questions and didn’t.
Richard, unless we want to become bullies ourselves, we have to allow for the fact that some will probably always have sincere issues of faith which prevent them from living the way you or I might. Do we force them to think and act differently?
If the answer to that is no, then might there be a place for a ministry like New Direction for those people?
XGW has always said that individuals have a right to decide their own path in life, but we want them to make an informed choice. Wendy seems to be taking a step in that direction by moving away from “change is possible” or causation theories, political lobbying, backhanded statements, etc.
Mel,
I would simply encourage you to look for practical ways to serve and show up in your cousin’s life. Your interactions and actions in being present in their life will afford the opportunity to be the presence of Christ. I would leave the ball in your cousin’s court so to speak - if they raise conversation about faith, then I would simply focus on sharing what relationship with Jesus has meant for you. At the end of the day, if Jesus really is who he says that he is, his love through you will be all that is needed. He is loving enough and powerful enough to touch your cousin’s heart at the right time - in just the right way to soothe and soften where there has been hurt and bitterness.
grace to you.
Allyson, Cowboy, GS …..
Thank you for your graciousness. I was a bit uncertain how the post would be received and I’m grateful that you sensed my heart.
Bene,
I don’t recall seeing an email/letter from you in the past. However, I am happy to engage further offline or on this forum if you are seeking further clarification about New Direction.
Richard,
Your cynicism is understandable. I know that nice words in a post don’t prove anything. The test of genuine love is not what is written on a blog - the test is how I relate to the gay and lesbian people God brings across my path. And it is in those relationships that I seek to demonstrate an openness, warmth, and consistent caring and love - regardless of where they are landing in terms of the expression of their sexuality. That is the best way I know to represent and be the presence of the Jesus I love.
David,
Thanks for weighing in on that ….
Wendy,
Thanks for having the courage to discuss with us.
I laughed when I read how you label yourself an “eclectic Calvinist.” Choosing the best of Calvinism seems to fly in the face of predestination…okay, it struck me as funny, guess you had to be there.
I deeply believe that God’s intention for sexual expression is the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman.
Your use of the word “believe” vs. know seems a departure from the conservative stance. Does this mean that it’s possible in your mind that you could be wrong?
I represent one of the funders of New Direction, and know Wendy personally. And yes, she is a good hugger.
I’ve become increasingly dissatisfied with funding the culture wars of the past - though I call myself an evangelical, the strident us/them approach doesn’t represent me or my interests. Wendy’s New Direction embodies the types of organizations that will attract the support of new generation donors like myself: ones that are full of grace, patient with the gray areas of life, comfortable with ambiguities. Thank God the old order is passing away.
[…] are not strident and polarizing - yet authentic as to their own deeply-held beliefs. Check out this vulnerable post on the blog Ex-Gay Watch (aka […]
Another Canuck here, albeit one in exile.
This strikes me as genuinely different from what we’re used to from the mainstream ex-gay movement. I don’t think it’s just a superficial difference, as some have suggested. Disassociating pastoral ministry from the political manipulations of the Religious Right, and disavowing promises of “change” can only be a positive thing as far as I am concerned. I have hope that Exodus and its allies will learn from Wendy’s approach.
Dagnabbit, I always forget to check the “Notify me of followup comments via email” box.
Wendy Gritter reminds me of Where Grace Abounds, an Exodus-affiliated ministry in Denver, where I was involved from 1991 to 1994. The leaders of WGA also maintained a non-judgmental tone and personal acceptance toward those who eventually chose an openly gay identity. Yet even though my experience with WGA was largely positive, I end up agreeing with Richard R above: “pretty much the same old crap wrapped up in a [more] seductive package.”
Wendy wants to have it both ways. On the one hand, she maintains that “God’s intention for sexual expression is the covenant of marriage between one man and one woman.” On the other, she seeks to express respect for those “who have deeply and honestly sought God through prayer and scripture and come to a different conclusion than I.”
But she can’t really have it both ways. If you maintain that certain ideas are absolute truth, revealed by God, how can you sincerely respect an opposing point of view? At best, religion can manage a sort of patronizing condescension, acknowledging that others are personally sincere even while treating them as misguided. Catholic theology offers a marvelous term—“invincible ignorance”—for those who refuse Catholic beliefs out of sincere conviction. The term says it all: Okay, we’ll grant your sincerity. But only because you’re incapable of recognizing our truth!
That is why religion lies at the heart of so many conflicts in today’s world—whether Muslim or Christian, Orthodox Jew or Southern Baptist. Strong religious conviction is fundamentally at odds with modern pluralistic societies, where people with many different beliefs must accommodate and live together.
I also have a problem with the idea that ex-gay ministries are fine for those who hold a particular religious viewpoint, as long as they respect the choices of others. Many of us have been through these ministries and know that in most cases they cannot help people meet even the limited goals Wendy presents here. Do we simply abandon those we know will find one dead end after another in these groups? Do we ignore the pain that we created not only for ourselves but for spouses and families when we were encouraged to “engage an authentic romantic, sexual, marital relationship with someone of the opposite gender”?
Or do we push back against the traditional religious view of our lives and choices, no matter how “tolerantly” expressed?
While I appreciate Wendy Gritter is not addressing this audience as would a pop-eyed, red-faced Southern preacher it concerns me that — even in the midst of our joy at not being sworn at — something also not be overlooked here .
Namely, at the end of the day Wendy Gritter is the Director of an anti-gay organisation. That fact has not changed, even if they’ve decided to alter their marketing efforts.
Why be concerned? Well, the “welcome”, the “embrace” will soon be followed by a rapid descent into a typical Exodus mind-bending.
For one: recommended reading from Wendy’s organisation still includes Leanne Payne and Mario Bergner; both of whom have no qualms calling homosexuality a pathological disease, and neither of whom have any qualms about presenting and false and damaging picture of that so-called “gay lifestyle”. (Actually, all in ND’s book list are disturbingly negative).
New Direction Ministries may have recently spent C$39K rejigging their websites, to not cause immediate offence, an approach Wendy has recommended, but all the links still end up at the same old insulting and damaged places. Bait and Switch?
A “welcoming church” is, I fear, for most people presenting themselves in that way, but a simple expediency : they see it as a way to coax us down that pathway that will lead us to Not-Gay. Eventually. And they promise to be nothing but patient until we are. But most of all lead us to their Jesus, because then our gay problems will get taken care of. Just don’t ask how.
eg: in interview http://www.christianity.ca/NetCommunity/Page.aspx?pid=4551&srcid=2140
Wendy, I really would be more convinced if you took the opportunity — at all such times as that revealing interview ref’d above — to remind anti-gay Christians that the lives of gay men and women are not “stories of pain, fear and confusion”. Far from it, in general. And you know it, right? So why promote that sort of falsehood when we’re not listening?
Gay men and women need protection from abusive and harmful people as much as does everyone, but we do not need pity; particularly if it’s been whipped up by the same old ignorance that at other times and places causes discrimination and violence. To base your “new direction” on the same appeal to ignorance still betrays an ultimately dreadful attitude.
I don’t doubt the sincerity, but I also don’t doubt the real reason why: old-fashioned, predatory religious proselytism by anti-gay Christians.
Albeit nicely spoken, and seemingly creeped out by collegues south of the border, but arguably also holders of viewpoint that of itself is a direct cause of the anguish felt by some and the negativity felt by many more others.
ps: but, I am glad to see Wendy has had a change of heart re politics eg, for but one example apart from the interview above (C-250 and C-38, those being the Canadian anti-discrimination and civil marriage Acts). Etc.
NickC: Many of us have been wounded by the church, and I don’t wish to downplay those wounds, at all. Many evils have been done in the name of many religions.
But in this case of Wendy’s posting, she is actually quite on-target:
- On one hand is the argument of framework, that is, that Jesus Christ taught “In the beginning, God created them male and female” and then Jesus used that statement to justify His support for life-time marriage. [Matthew 19]. For any human to have made that leap-of-logic would be a statement of foolishness. For those of us that hold to the concept that Jesus was sinless and therefore did not lie, His statement becomes a ‘framework’ that subsumes the arguments of stability of sexual orientation and stability of gender identity.
I am a fully transitioned person, born male and now living as female. I am also a Christian and engage in Bible-based reasoning. The argument of framework is a key concept in my understanding. I must not ignore such a powerful argument.
Yet, my Lord Jesus, did not answer my prayers for ‘reversal’. Thus, I was forced to live the and experience the argument of ‘mercy’. I was forced to mature in my understanding of II Corinthians 12, if you will.
- Thus, on the other hand, I find Wendy’s comments very encouraging. For she is wrestling with the ‘weightier matters’ of ‘mercy, faithfulness, and justice’ per Matthew 23:23. She has abandoned the lesser matters of condemnation and legislated-conformity to the image of Christ. She understands the Laws of Moses that prohibit the ‘planting of two different types of seeds in the same field’ and the ‘mixing of two types of thread in the same cloth’. Does God care about seeds or threads? - no, but He wrote those laws so that we would not mix the spiritual with the medical with the psychological or with the political.
Have I been wounded by an immature Church? Yes, absolutely. My wounds, and the deep wounds of my wife being abandoned by the church, are recorded in other letters.
Has it taken me much time to practice the process of forgiveness — that is, to recognize the wrong they did as against me (lack of living Matthew chapter 5); to recognize that I am to assume the attitude of the ‘greater sinner’ (Matthew 18 parable); and for me to forgive them and stand by them in prayer for their needs (Galatians 6:1&2)? Yes, the practice of the process of forgiveness has been difficult for me, indeed.
Does the current church live out the words of Ezekiel 34? - “You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost. You have ruled them harshly and brutally.” Yes, the current immature church does live those words, and my Lord will measure back to them what they measured to others in His time - now, or on the Day of Judgment.
But do my wounds, my difficulty with forgiveness, or even the desire of the current church to rule others ‘harshly and brutally’ through political power, do these excuse me from walking in the mercy of God and teaching the mercy and faithfulness of God to others? No, I have no excuse. I must fulfill the Law of Christ. I must carry their burdens. And I must learn to bless those that have cursed me.
The furnace the church created to destroy, has become the furnace that purifies the gold of our faith in Him.
Again, I do not wish to make light of your wounds, the wounds of your family, nor of my wounds, and the wounds given to my wife and children.
But I therefore urge that we — the wounded and torn-by-the-church; that we — those that have been ‘forgiven much’; that we also ‘love much’, and stand with Wendy’s efforts, for there are many wolves in the immature church that may turn upon her.
Much love in Christ always and unconditionally; Caryn
Nick,
My concern as well. I am afraid that all that Gritters is not gold. I hold some reserve until she answers my question as to whether she considers it possible she might be wrong. When I see someone use the word “believe [deeply]” instead of know, I hold out a little hope. There’s a big difference between believing and knowing. One is open to logical persuasive dialogue, the other is not. So, I wonder which one truly describes Wendy. If her deep belief is really ‘knowledge’ in disguise, then I think grantdale correctly identifies her sentiments as “pity,” not respect.
Aparantly some of y’all aren’t able to understand the concept of having a belief but being willing to admit that you are not omnicient or without flaw.
Jeez, if we all followed your way of thinking, guys, the Presbyterians would spend all their time attacking the Baptists and the Methodists would be trying to run the Pentecostals out of town.
It is not only reasonable to say, “This is believe is true. I’ll try to convince you. But I respect your right to disagree with me.”, but it is the backbone of freedom.
If all of Exodus had Wendy’s attitude, I would find little fault in them. Ex-gays and ex-gay ministries certainly are entitled to seek to better themselves, even if you or I don’t think the efforts will work or that their goal is “better”.
NickC,
I found this statement you made curious:
Do you not think its possible for human beings to have different worldviews and different points of view and still be respectful? God help us if all the human beings on the planet have to agree on everything with everyone else in order to have any respect. I find the principles of Sustained Dialogue to be particularly helpful when human beings have differences and still want to respect each other’s humanity.
As a same-gender attracted person who is celibate and no longer pursuing relationships with women, I am thankful for ministries like New Direction. I value their encouragement and support. I am a happy, well-adjusted person and this is how I want to live my life. Would you deny me the comraderie with others who share my “meta-narrative”? Would you impose your views and your will on me by trying to shut down these fellowships that I find personally meaningful?
grantdale wrote:
Wendy, I really would be more convinced if you took the opportunity — at all such times as that revealing interview ref’d above — to remind anti-gay Christians that the lives of gay men and women are not “stories of pain, fear and confusion”. Far from it, in general. And you know it, right? So why promote that sort of falsehood when we’re not listening?
Well-written, grantdale. I would augment what you wrote with this reminder:
If gays (gay men, especially) have stories of “pain, fear, and confusion”, it is worth knowing that it is Christians who cause gays pain, Christians who cause gays fear, and Christians who cause gays confusion. It is not the fault of “homosexuality” that gays suffer, but it is the Christians’ fault. They should atone for it, and maybe, just many, gays will one day forgive them. Maybe.
The reminder that I give to gays is this:
The ONLY way to stop a bully from abusing you is to accept that you must be willing to be more vicious toward the bully than they are toward you. Otherwise, your love and nonviolence will be seen as license for them to continue abusing you. That is a fact of human nature which you ignore at your peril. grantdale is right: Wendy is the director of an anti-gay organization. I don’t want her to speak nicely to me. I want her to abandon all of her anti-gay efforts forever. Do we think that “dialog” is the right way to do that? Won’t she see that as weakness that can be exploited? After all, she wants to “dialog” with us. Should we assume that her motives are beneficial to us simply because it’s not wrapped in the typical Christian abuse?
This is a classic example of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Wendy, if you love me (not that fake “Christian love”), then abandon all of your anti-gay efforts forever and tell your Christian zealot brethren to do likewise.
Kinder and gentler approach not withstanding, New Directions still seeks to serve a market that holds disdain for homosexuality. Intentions aside, it still serves as a shill for anti-gay activists that base their arguments on homosexual physical love being a behavior choice.
So many Christian GLBT people have gone to great lengths to model their relationships after those which they believe God has prescribed (male/female marriage) while still remaining true to their God-given natural feelings. This is what should be celebrated, condoned and affirmed by the Christian church, rather than telling these folks that, after years of doing everything they can to change their orientation, doing the best with what they’ve been given is not enough. It is enough. And what we cannot do ourselves, Christ did for us on the cross. The End. With all due respect for the kinder and gentler approach, purchased services that are marketed with notion that it’s okay to disdain gay physical love are still the wrong way of addressing this issue. Beliefs are okay and a wonderful thing. But beliefs are always a choice, and are always chosen because they serve the believer in some way. Sexual orientation is not a choice, and needs to be treated with the same respect as other God-given atributes that we humble humans have been endowed with.
All of us have opinions and ideas that we believe are true, and understand that others disagree with us. That is the basis of a pluralistic society. We establish rules for how to reach decisions when we disagree, and we learn the give and take of seeing various points of view prevail.
The difference arises with questions of absolute truth.
Some physical facts are absolutely true. You may choose to believe the earth is flat, but in that case your belief is absolutely wrong. It’s not just my belief vs yours. It’s a question of verifiable physical reality.
My problem with religion (and I was editor of a Catholic magazine for 13 years) is the confusion between belief/opinion and absolute truth. Religions assert that some body of human opinion is in fact absolute truth, revealed by God. But unlike the shape of the earth, that claim can never be independently verified by any other evidence or standard.
That’s why I don’t feel I can find any common ground with someone like Wendy Gritter, who starts from a religious belief that homosexual behavior is immoral. She may strive to express a tolerant and accepting attitude; she may not actively agitate against my personal freedom. But at the end of the day I don’t believe what she offers to me as a gay man is true respect.
Regarding ex-gays themselves: I have no problem at all with individuals who choose to pursue a heterosexual identity even though their real attractions and orientation are homosexual. People should be free to choose their own lives.
But I also recognize that most individuals unhappy about their homosexual orientation are responding primarily to pressure and expectations from outside themselves–families, churches, and society that tell them it’s not okay to follow their own true hearts. I have a real problem with ministries like New Directions that reinforce those pressures by pretending to offer help that will ultimately prove ineffective for many, if not most, of their members. I know from my own experience that these ministries often serve only to delay the process of people coming to understand and accept themselves as they are.
I do not advocate shutting down or legally restricting these ministries. But I do believe that those of us who have been through them have an obligation to speak up about their limitations and the harm they can cause.
Is it possible we have been fighting this culture war so fervently that we have started to become what we hate, an intolerant, self-assured lot who demand absolute adherence to our own, infallible doctrines?
I think most of us here work for a day when all this is unnecessary because “gay” won’t even be a distinction, but instead just another trait of humanity. But does that mean we can’t find value in an approach like Wendy’s?
We should also be careful not to assign bad motives and actions from other organizations to New Directions. While I can’t vouch for their sincerity, I have found Wendy quite candid - let them stand or fall on their own.
As Timothy said, if Exodus were to adopt these same measures and mean it, I don’t think we would have much to complain about.
I am concerned that the ‘call to reconciliation’ and the ‘call to battle’ are discussed by Jesus in Matthew chapter 5. Jesus clearly states to His followers that the call to reconciliation must dominate our dealings with others, more than the call to battle.
J. James wrote:
J. Christ wrote:
I am glad that Exgaywatch takes no position of faith, for that allows persons of faith, non-faith, and even renounced-faith to post. I am glad for this forum’s neutrality.
I am also glad that J.James had the courage to post his/her concerns and viewpoint.
If I mark the left of the continuum as ‘reply in kind’ and the right of the continuum as ‘love and pray’, I can then create a number of scenarios by those that occupy different points on that spectrum.
History is filled with examples of those that replied in kind. It is a vicious dance of those that wished the title of the ’sons of men’.
History has few examples of those that lived ‘love and pray’, and One of those examples forever changed human history. It is a dance that is ‘wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove’. It is the dance of those that desire the title of ‘the sons of the Father in Heaven’.
Tis quite a choice to be made, isn’t it? Sincerely; Caryn
David Roberts asks:
How do you see Wendy’s approach as being at all compatible with the idea that one day “gay” will be seen as just another trait of humanity? It seems quite clear from her own words that Wendy views “gay” as a condition that will always fall short of her god’s intentions for humanity. She could never (so long as she holds her current religious views) affirm that for many of us “gay” is our true and natural identity.
Wendy, would you dispute those statements? Perhaps I am misinterpreting you, but I think not. It seems clear that you regard homosexual behavior as objectively sinful in all circumstances, and that you could never fully affirm someone in a decision to embrace a gay identity that included sexual activity, even in a faithful relationship.
That is why I cannot find value in Wendy Gritter’s approach. I appreciate the moderation of her tone, but I do not find that she extends true acceptance and respect for my life as a gay man.
David,
I think most of us here work for a day when all this is unnecessary because “gay” won’t even be a distinction, but instead just another trait of humanity. But does that mean we can’t find value in an approach like Wendy’s?
I think you are onto something when you say that gay people have been fighting for equality for so long that they have developed some traits of those that they fight against - there is some intolerance there. I understand why its there, and I believe its an unfortunate consequence of having to defend ourselves like we do, but I do think we sometimes unknowingly exhibit this quality.
I do think that we can find a great deal to value in what Wendy says though. I think we just need to let our guards down a bit, assume that maybe she isn’t a wolf in sheep’s clothing and go from there
It is not a secret that my perspectives are informed and shaped by a Christian worldview. I know that xgw is faith neutral and understand that many different perspectives are held by those who engage with this site.
Paul asked the question if I would be willing to say “I could be wrong”. Not only am I willing to say that, I encouraged Exodus leaders to consider if this is something they could say. To me, this statement expresses the necessary humility to recognize that “I don’t have a perfect pipeline to God” or for those who don’t believe in God, that I do not have perfect, complete, with no possibility of error, access to absolute truth….. not in this lifetime anyway. If I had perfect access to absolute truth with no possibility of error …. why would I need faith? Why would I need God? Rather, for me, I desparately need God precisely because I don’t have perfect and complete knowledge. I wish sometimes that God would just write on the wall, “Wendy, you’re right!” ….. but in those moments in the stillness of the middle of the night when I ask, “If I am wrong please show me….” the only sense I ever receive is a deeper love for Jesus and a quiet but deep commitment to serve him as fully as I can. I would guess that to some that seems utter foolishness …..
I said in my post that I was grateful to listen, learn and engage with those of differing perspectives. I have listened and learned even since the interview in the article for Faith Today…. or since an interview with Listen Up TV that I’m sure someone will dig up at some point. When I said this has been the wildest learning curve of my life - I was serious
I expect that I will learn from this experience - which is why I agreed to accept the invitation extended to write a guest post - even though I knew I would walk into a storm. Not to hide behind any excuses, but when I took the role at New Direction I only knew a couple of gay Christians who didn’t share the same views as I did - and our relationship was so established that these issues weren’t a huge point of contention - we were always able to discuss things graciously. Then in the first couple of years with New Direction, most of my contact was with same-gender attracted people within the church who personally held a traditional biblical sexual ethic. Over the last couple of years, in large part thanks to blogs, I have had the opportunity to hear many more perspectives presented in a variety of ways. Perhaps it sounds naive, but I have gained a greater understanding (and continue to gain understanding) about how some things said in Christian circles come across to gay and lesbian people. I’m seeking to learn - but this is going to be an ongoing process for me. I can look back at things I said or wrote even two years ago and think, “I would have said that differently today - because I better understand now how that sounds to a gay person”. It isn’t only on gay issues that the Christian community can have a significant disconnect with those outside of the church with the language we use. Learning to communicate in respectful and relevant ways with a complex pluralistic post-Christian culture is challenging - at least for me.
But the reason I keep at it, even though it is uncomfortable ….. is because I serve a God “who so loved the world”. It would be easier and safer to retreat to a hidden enclave of people who all thought and did as I think and do. But the God I serve calls me beyond that to be his presence in the world. Not everyone wants to encounter that presence or accept that presence or embrace the life and values behind it. That is the reality of the free will that human beings hold.
Many want to know why a suburban mom like me would choose to serve in a ministry like New Direction. It was not because I pitied gay people. Early in my tenure with the ministry my sense of the Lord’s call was this, “I’m jealous for them. I’m jealous for their gifts, creativity and beauty. I’m jealous because my Body is not complete without them.” I have deeply felt the impoverishment of the church due to their unChristlike exclusion of same-gender attracted people. And so I have tried to be faithful in the best way I knew how, to work within the Christian community to create a safe place for a same-gender attracted person to be honest and real, to explore faith and it’s impact on their journey with sexuality, and to know that they are loved - by God and by his people.
For those of you who do not hold a Christian worldview…. that may sound like delusional gibberish. Nothing I can really say would likely convince you otherwise….
For those who do hold a Christian worldview - and hold a different perspective on sexual ethics than I - I hope that you will be able to hear that in the best way I know how I seek to be an advocate for same-gender attracted people within the conservative church - and in that advocacy I do seek to address issues of homophobic attitudes that do not reflect the heart of Christ.
It does seem a bit ironic to me that while on one hand there is justifiable critique of the Christian church for the ways in which it has contributed to negative treatment of glbtq people, on the other, when a conservative Christian does try to engage in a kinder, gentler and more respectful manner - and encourages the church to do the same, it is met with a label of “you’re just anti-gay anyway”.
For those of you who have acknowledged that these are at least some steps in a positive direction - I thank you.
Wendy,
“It does seem a bit ironic to me that while on one hand there is justifiable critique of the Christian church for the ways in which it has contributed to negative treatment of glbtq people, on the other, when a conservative Christian does try to engage in a kinder, gentler and more respectful manner - and encourages the church to do the same, it is met with a label of “you’re just anti-gay anyway”.”
That isn’t completely true. I am gay/ex-gay and I think you’re message is wonderful, even though there are social policy issues on which I’m sure we wouldn’t agree. I want to thank you for your message. It is a welcome one.
Nick: you wrote the following terms, and I’m a bit lost on your argument:
Let me first offer that I am not Catholic. I became involved with the Evangelical and Charismatic movements (these are Protestant).
So, in Evangelical circles, the ‘heart’ is considered to be a higher calling than the ‘behavior’. I noticed that you mentioned only ‘behavior’.
I’m also not familiar with the term “objectively sinful”. In the world-view that I’ve studied, “sin” is used to represent (1) anything short of imitation of Christ, (2) any action that is ‘not of faith’ (that is, against your individual conscience, (3) breaking the Law of Moses, and/or (4) a condition of all mankind.
These multiple Evangelical definitions of sin have caused my Evangelical friends to call me (1) sinful (since Christ was not a transsexual); (2) a person that walks in faith (since my own conscience is not against transition from male to female); (3) a sinful law-breaker (since some consider me male-for-life and I wear clothing that is female); and (4) no different from them.
Among the Evangelicals that I know, the term “acceptance” is equal to the term “condoning” or even “participating with”. I know that sounds crazy, given that Jesus accepted Romans, Canaanites, and a 5-times divorced Samaritan woman into His presence, and did not condone slavery, paganism, nor divorce. But the Evangelical church has great trouble with the term “acceptance”.
Please bear with me, and please do define your terms. After all, there are many persons that are divorced and even remarried to a divorced woman (and Jesus was fairly strong in His negative statements about those options). Yet, Jesus showed a very unique approach to that very situation in John chapter 4.
How do you think Jesus would have responded to the Samaritan woman (John chapter 4) if she was also a lesbian? Sincerely; Caryn
Wendy, I thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable - as every openly gay person knows, it isn’t always easy.
I think you’ll appreciate how many of us are deeply suspicious and not trusting of people like you - trust is not something freely given to someone who claims the title of a group that has been so spiteful, hateful, dishonest, and malicious.
I have two comments/suggestions/requests for you.
1) stop saying “same-gender attracted”. That is not who I am. I am gay. I am homosexual. I spent over 10 years of my life trying to change my orientation because of the blatant lies of ex-gay ministries. To reduce me to “same-gender attracted” is insulting. Would you like us to refer to you as “opposite-gender attracted”? Do you think that would adequately describe who you are as a person? Would that adequately describe heterosexuals in general? Heterosexuals are more than just “opposite-gender attracted” people. They are humans. They have hopes, dreams, sorrows, etc. I know you claim to be “opposite-gender attracted”, but would you really like to be referred to in that regard?
2) I will not trust any Christian who is supposedly sympathetic to GAY people if they refuse to denounce the explicit lies, bigotry and hatred of conservative Christian leaders. Will you publicly speak out against those who encourage stereotypes and speak lies about us? When you publicly speak out against them, then I might consider you to be acting as Jesus did. Know this, if you speak the truth against those who lie about us, you will become an outcast - just like “same gender attracted” people as you so call us.
Thank you for being willing to dialog, but please understand if some of us, who are so accustomed to the blatant lies of Christians, do not trust those who take on that title. I hope that you actually follow Jesus - from your comments I suspect that you do. But always remember, conservative “Christians” (whose behavior is the opposite of the Christ) have done more to alienate people from Jesus than they have done to lead people to him.
You mean a conservative Christian worldview. Please do not confuse the spiteful rhetoric of the religious right with Christianity.
As a person of faith who seeks to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God I submit that what Wendy has shared is a humble and merciful approach to the mistakes and sins of the church against those who are same gender attracted.
We, as a church, have been scared to embrace most people with non-traditional gender identities for most of our history. Many of us are just starting to grasp the concept of truly loving our neighbours as ourselves (regardless of what gender(s) share the bedroom next door). This is to our shame and can only change as we learn to live in true community with each other.
I hope this dialogue begins to open up opportunities for more relationships to be built between those who have identified with the traditional “Christian family” and those who don’t fit that same mold.
I am a gay Christian from Toronto who belongs to Wendy Gritter’s denomination, the Christian Reformed Church. This denomination congratulates itself on how well it has “dealt” with the issue of homosexuality because it did so long ago, - early in 1973, when medical literature considered all gay people to be psychiatrically disordered ’sexual inverts’. The conclusion of scripture concerning gay couples is dealt with solely in terms of the aberrant sex acts of the mentally disturbed. the official stance obliges gay people to seek medical therapy to ‘heal’ their disorder.
In 2002 the denomination published “ministry guidelines” which consisted of changing the copywrite date of the old report and providing nothing but Exodus resources, claiming that these come from the ‘medical community’.
So no one in my church or hers has heard the church officially declare that gay people are no longer considered to be medically sick. We are all officially mentally disordered.
In the past thirty years these documents have been used as clubs to keep all people with dissenting views in line. Ministers have been defrocked, church leaders have had their licences to preach revoked and people working within the church have been fired from their jobs simply by publicly disagreeing with the report.
New Directions has played a huge role in this situation, because any time the topic comes up within churches, the leader of New Directions are summoned, including Wendy Gritter, and they all validate every outdated, negative myth about the lives, and psyches of gay people, as well as extole the wonders of ‘therapy’, all of which conforms to the outdated stance.
Wendy, in your speech you called on your colleagues to live on the edge, live with risk, keep Christ in view and create a safe place for gay and lesbian people. My church in Toronto, as you well know, actually began doing this over twenty years ago. They invited gay people in, and stuggled long and hard concerning how the church should respond, as well as how to deal with the ludicrous, outdated and academically worthles