What I’ve Learned From Ex-Gay Therapy/Ministry: Part One
I’ve been encouraged to share personal narratives about what I’ve learned from ex-gay therapy/ministry. While I’ve never experienced being ex-gay personally, my unique perspective affords me a great deal of “inside” anecdotal information that could be valuable to folks on any side of the issues surrounding ex-gay therapy/ministry.
I hope that folks who read XGW will take this series as an opportunity to better understand the language and position of those in the ex-gay movement. I understand (not fully, of course) how offensive the very idea of ex-gay therapy/ministry is to so many of you who may read this. And yet, I know beyond all doubt that we ALL have things to learn from one another and that by at least attempting to understand a different perspective we are each able to more effectively communicate our own. The one and only path I’d like to steer all of us towards is that of love and understanding. I don’t mind adding that I personally believe the heavier burden of understanding lies with those on the ex-gay side of the issue.
Part One
If you’re reading this post, you’re on a computer. Your computer is loaded with an operating system. Most of the things that happen on your computer happen because of default settings. Default is the way computers are set up so that every amoeba and their pet parasite are able to browse the Internet.
In the world of ex-gay, heterosexuality is the default. God created and declared this setting, “good”. But, as fate, or possibly the fact that the creation had free will, would have it, the settings were tinkered with over the course of time. Homosexuality, according to ex-gay thinking, is a variant of the default. Furthermore, if gayness is a variation and straight is a default, then it can, and very likely should be, changed back to the default setting. This, as I perceive it, is the heart of ex-gay ministry and the aim of ex-gay therapy. This is also where my personal thinking diverges quite a bit from the typical party-line of the ex-gay camp. However, this series of posts is an explanation of what I learned from being involved with ex-gay therapy/ministry. It’s not necessarily a series detailing my personal beliefs.
Moving on with that line of thinking, the terms used among ex-gay folk are often used innocently. Yes, I understand the word “lifestyle” is fully loaded and biased toward negative thinking. And yes, it’s true, most folks who use the word “lifestyle” to describe gays have a negative connotation accompanying that description. “Gay lifestyle” in ex-gay speak is equal to: infidelity, promiscuous behavior, effeminate men, butch women, parades, promiscuous behavior, Internet hook-ups, dance club/electronica music, promiscuous behavior, fashion, artistic expression, promiscuous behavior, etc…
I could go on and on. Suffice it to say, gay lifestyle = promiscuous behavior. And, the ex-gay programs are not doing a great deal (nothing, actually) to educate parents of children who are same sex attracted (gay) in understanding the connotations or meanings of the language they are using to describe those they “serve”.
As a recently divorced heterosexual adult, I can tell you without hesitation that the “gay lifestyle” has not ONE thing on the “heterosexual lifestyle”. I’m not a sexually active heterosexual, and I certainly would not want to be judged as a person (heterosexual) based on the activities of most other heterosexuals who are in my particular circumstance. The results would be devastating for me. I thank God every day (because I see the gay analog) that I am viewed as an individual and not in relation to the orientation of heterosexuality when it comes to being a divorced individual in our culture.
I look forward to writing more in this series. My next article will detail some of the specific and bizarre happenings that took place within my own husband’s attempts to become completely free of same sex attractions.
Keep in mind, everything I say in these narratives is colored with a Christian world view. If you are not a Christian, you will likely want to take issue with a few things. However, since I’ve provided this disclaimer, I’m trusting that civility and good manners in general will reign supreme in the comments. I’m just telling my story.
Brian J: Ah yes, but even the almighty BIOS – the central core instruction set of the computer, can still have firmware updates!
I personally believe that Pam’s analogy was a great comparison in this day and age. The extreme fundamentalists and ex-gay proponents do, on most points, believe that we can just “upgrade” our personal operating systems or wipe and re-install our minds to their way of thinking.
The problem is, like a CPU, we’re hardwired. At least, that’s what *I* believe.
Perhaps a better analogy would be to compare Intel vs. AMD. Both are essentially the same – they are both CPUs and work well, but both are wired different (and require different motherboards). Each is valid, but different.
Nonetheless, the analogy drawn was based upon the warped perception of the ex-gay industry. Thusly, it should be noted that such people obviously use “OS2-Warp” on their computers.
OS/2-Warp was actually a very well-designed, stable, powerful OS.
Vista is a more appropriate analogy: Slick on the outside, but logically tangled, overconfident, and self-defeating on the inside.
All this simile/metaphor talk is making the English teacher in me drool like a dental patient on novacaine.
LoL..I got a smile out that one Pam.
Frank… yes, BIOS and firmware can be updated, but its still dependant on what hardware is originally installed on the motherboard. Not to mention that BIOS updates can only come from the manufacturer…not the user. Wow.. this conversation is getting pretty geeky. I’m starting to draw comparisons to all kinds of things. I think I’ll stop while I’m ahead.
Brian J,
My last comment on this topic (you are right, it is knee-deep in SCSI cables in here!). WE know that BIOS is still dependent on the hardware (and that updates only come from the manufacturer). But these “ex-gay” ministries are basically trying to sell 3rd-party updates. They are saying we are all Intel inside and then trying to give Intel-specific updates to AMD chipsets. This is probably because they’re reading the Spanish section in their motherboard manuals.
Ok, that last one was a bad analogy for mistranslating the bible.
Like you, I could literally go on and on applying such comparisons. So I, too, will stop.
Mike Airhart: Lest we forget that OS2 was also designed by Microsoft for IBM (though IBM did take over for WARP). It was the environment which led to Windows 95…
In other news, a computer metaphor is in critical condition after a serious beating at Ex-Gay Watch. Witnesses report that the assault was remarkably severe, as if the participants were attempting to beat it to death.
More details will follow as they are made available.
What say we talk about the PBS FRONTLINE documentary about the MORMONS. This thread has morphed into a quasi-Open-Chat anyway.
Nothing new: The wrenched explanation the LDS Historian gave about gay Mormons didn’t surprise me. I almost believed his earnest empathy except there weren’t any tears shed from either eye when he looked askance from the camera. I could almost see him shrug his shoulders…as you would with that collateral-damaged ‘lost souls’ attitude you feel from some religious people. Would that be considered an example of being pious?
Eh…it’s the same tired story: Celibacy is the only option.
So, what do gays do with so much time and energy since they live celibate? Talk about computers? (Geek alert: I have a propeller on my cowboy hat.)
Pam, thank you for taking the time to be vulnerable and open. Being gay, being ex-gay and reparative therapy is always going to be a hotbed issue because it touches a very sacred part of ourselves (whether you are Christian, Buddhist, pagan, Judaic or whatever) and either validates or invalidates. It’s very easy to be blinded by the emotion even when a piece is written non-commitally. (OK, I am not English teacher.)
I’m glad that the comparison to computers and CPUs was touched on again in the responses to your article. While the ex-gay movement does believe that heterosexuality is the “default”, they refuse to acknowledge that there are different operating systems, processors, components, etc. If I may carry the comparison a bit further…who is to say which operating system is the one and only one…Windows, MAC, Linux, Unix-based, OS2?
I look forward to the Part 2 and 3 of your article. Thank you.
Well, the mac is now unix-based. Bisexual perhaps?
Wow Pam,
I’m new here and wish I hadn’t come so late into this discussion. But here’s another two cents for posterity. Thanks for writing your story, I understand that what you have been through has probably been sad and hard beyond words. I’m sorry for that. Life can really be rotten. I’m glad you’re planting trees in your manure. I look forward to interacting with you here.
paul
Lee said:
What the heck does that mean?
Lee, if you are happy with your life, and you aren’t crusading against others who are equally happy with theirs without feeling the need to morph their behavior, then more power to you. However, these comments sound more like barfly talk than reality. If you honestly bought into the idea that you could only be desirable in your 20s, then I have to assume you were seeking relationships among very shallow people. One can find these among groups of any sexual orientation.
Almost without exception, we hear ex-gay stories which indicate serious issues existed which had nothing to do with being gay. Is there no one out there willing to differentiate between the two? Again, if you and your wife are happy, great. I certainly hope it lasts, but please think long and hard before having children.
I think there are plenty of places to find datable people other than bars. I found my spouse at a center “rap.” I have almost never been in a gay bar. A few here and there, but since I don’t drink, I rarely have gone. There are churches and social places.
As far as 40 being 75, I suppose if your tastes only run toward a young, “beautiful” crowd, but that is true in the straight world too (why do you think eHarmony is so popular? To get away from the beautiful, youth element). I was reading a recent article about how the “bear” movement is huge and growing in the gay world. Youth and beautiful are losing their sheen. In fact, Camille Paglia stated that the bear movement is the most virile, mature, and masculine element in dating currently. Men between 35-80 get together for dating and love. Maybe you didn’t look to hard, but there are plenty of avenues for older, heavier, less conventionally attractive gay males.
Lee,
Thanks for commenting. I agree with David and Aaron in their comments to you and would add just this…
Ex-Gay Watch exists because of stories like mine and many others. It serves a purpose and is part of the dialouge for needed change in the ex-gay movement. Sadly, there are two elements to that movement. There’s the therapy side, which obviously needs help, and the political side, which is nothing more than an anti-gay movement. These are realities, not perceptions.
I’m glad that your reality has included change for you that works for you. If you do have children, I urge you, as I would ANY heterosexually married couple, to put aside any sexual discovery you may feel the need to engage in until AFTER the children are grown. Sexual struggle has ruined two marriages for me, of two opposite stripes.