From the AP:
As a response to Apples’ recent move to drop their iPhone app from the App Store, the leaders at Exodus International have vowed to live without their iToys. “Contributing our money and computing allegiance to a company that clearly does not represent our values just seemed wrong,” said Exodus president Alan Chambers. “After all,” he continued, “Apple represents a minor segment of the computer and smart phone market, there are plenty of alternatives. It would be wrong of us to concentrate so heavily on them when they do not accept us or our worldview.” Asked to comment on that move by Apple, Chambers said “they are threatened by our personal stories of change.”
Exodus vice president Randy Thomas was in agreement with his boss, but said it was not easy to let go. “I had already received and named my second iPad — Zack, if you are interested — and I keep my first iPad (Rex) in my bedroom. It is filled with our conference video to keep me in line should I have those “urges” that any normal not gay but almost holy person sometimes has.” He further confessed that “it’s not easy to live in this world without an Apple product (Igor the iPhone means so much more to me than just a phone), but God can give me the strength to seek other brands. The Motorola Droid is a more masculine, gender appropriate phone according to several studies.” When asked to share references, Thomas declined, calling us “pro-gay activists” and as having a “critical spirit.” Still, he did remark that my camera man had excellent taste in shoes, to which Chambers nodded in agreement while looking a bit preoccupied.
While the decision to dump their excess tech baggage is made, it’s not clear what they will do with the devilish devices. Jeff Buchannan, Exodus’ senior director of church equipping and student ministries said he is advising his fellow ex-gays to burn all their iMacs, iPhones, iPads and Apple TVs in a special ceremony to celebrate breaking one more bond with their old lives. “We considered selling them or even giving them away, but a brief 127 page email sent to me by Robert Gagnon helped me understand that the Old Testament speaks to this, that these devices would not represent God’s best for their new owners. Without at least our Exodus app to redeem them, these tech toys represent an anti-ex-gay spirit.”
Asked to comment on Exodus and their recent decision, a local Presbyterian pastor and founder of one of the few homeless shelters in the area, Rev. Robert Miller, was somewhat confused. “Who has time for toys? We could feed 500 people for a day on what an iPad costs.” Miller continued, “We have an old laptop that was donated by a grandmother who received it as a gift. It works, and I can use free Internet at local establishments when necessary. The laptop doesn’t have a name, unless you mean Dell.” At that he had to go help a homeless man who was walking with considerable difficulty toward the shelter, revealing a reference to Matthew 25:40 printed on the back of his shirt.
This was our April Fools post for 2011.
they should have stopped using Apple products years ago. they have long been supportive of equality, if I remember correctly. Completely the opposite of Exodus.
PS: happy april fools
(and happy new year if you’re a pagan)!
Well, I think that Exodus do have a valid point, and I’ve decided this morning to follow in their footsteps. I’ve resolved to get rid of my computer, my mobile phone, my calculator, my digital radio and my car, because I’m not convinced that Hewlett-Packard, Nokia, Casio, Sony or Vauxhall accept my worldview. I can take them all to my local municipal dump, except for the car, which presents me with a dilemma. After what Gagnon has said, I obviously can’t trade it in or give it to someone else, and if I just take it somewhere and abandon it, the police will find it and trace the owner through the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Agency and I’ll be prosecuted, since deliberately abandoning a car is illegal and can lead to a fine of up to £2500 and/or three months imprisonment. Anyone got any helpful suggestions?
Hilarious!
Has anyone told them that Grindr doesn’t work as well on a Blackberry?
Nice twist at the end there.
Okay let me get this straight. Randy Thomas has gone through conversion therapy but actually names his electronic devices (?). I wonder if he’s the type that names his car as well. I feel sorry for these poor souls, and I hope he can find a way out of the trap he’s in (or at least be happy), but I don’t think I’ve ever met a straight man who names inanimate objects with terms of endearment.
Just saying.
Chuck
@Chuck Cordes
Hi Chuck. This post was an April Fools joke, however Randy has posted about naming his devices, and his air conditioner. The nicknames used are all taken from his posts except for “Zack,” I made that one up to fit the pattern. It’s a safe bet he has named his iPad 2, however.
I’m such a sucker! Thanks David, that was hysterical!
Perfect. Apple products are top quality from a world class company. Exodus produces poisonous garbage and they are snake oils salesmen.