A few days ago, I had the pleasure of speaking with local journalist Eve Tushnet, for her article on the ex-gay movement, for National Review Online. The article is up, and you can read more about Eve’s reaction to the recent DC-area Love Won Out conference over at her blog.
Now that I have a decade’s worth of emotional distance from my ex-gay experience, I can honestly say I am grateful for the years I spent trying to change my orientation–and for the things I learned about myself in the process. Mainly, it taught me that if I am going to choose my own path in life, I must take responsibility for my choices. I knew what coming Out would mean: losing contact with most of my family and friends, being excommunicated from my faith, cut off from my culture and support network, etc. All of that came true. Some losses were less painful than I thought they would be, and some were more…and that’s the breaks.
But it would be silly to feel sorry for myself, because I knew exactly what I was walking away from–and moving toward–when I made my decision.
I remember a clear, conscious moment when the decision was made: I could step through Door A, and have a tolerably happy existence in a heterosexual marriage (not an easy choice, but one that would enable me to keep my friends, my family and my faith, to have children, be “normal,” etc.); or I could open Door B, and follow a path leading to the unknown. A path fraught with uncertainty and loneliness, but one that also held the promise of passion (not necessarily sexual passion, although that too :), and risk, and a journey of exploration that would leave me feeling as though I had really lived my life. Above all (and this is the thing that made the choice clear) I chose to live honestly. That is a choice that comes with many costs–but they’re costs I will gladly pay!
As I look back, I must say I have few regrets. My friends who walked the ex-gay path have happy lives, in their own way, but they are not lives I envy. I get wistful sometimes over the realization that if I decided to be ex-gay, tomorrow, my parents would immediately welcome me back into their lives with open arms…but…as nice as that would be, it simply isn’t worth it. I am happy! My life is wonderful: the people I have remained close to are the ones who truly love me, and I deal with the world on my own terms. That, to me, is fulfillment.
Joe, that is one of the best thoughts I have read at Ex-gay watch. I understand where you are coming from in being thankful that you took the ex-gay road for a while and learned so much in the process before finally accepting yourself. I am still in that place in many ways. Though I began the process of coming out to myself and a few friends about 15 years ago I only recently came out to my entire community and I guess you might say, to the world when I wrote an op-ed article in my local paper and later was interviewed by the New York Times and People Magazine.
My Bishop was infuriated by this yet (ironically) his two counselors were supportive. The community where I live (Jackson Hole, Wyoming) is going through a major paradigm shift in cultures. The local Latter-day Saint congregation I have attended has definitely experienced that cultural shift and my bishop (a man who has only lived in Idaho and Wyoming) definitely has been caught in the middle of the resulting culture clash. When he called me into his office to talk to me he was literallly shaking he was so upset. He accused me of “standing on my soap box” and influencing the youth of the Church in a bad way as they came into him for advice about the People Magazine article I appeared in. He also proceeded to shame me as he said “Ben how can you stand up there and direct the priesthood choir and do these kinds of things?” He told me that I was walking close to the edge of what is acceptable and that he would take action (meaning church discipline) if I continued to do this.
I have not been back to Church since that meeting with him and he knows very well why. There have been several members of that congregation who have been kind and supportive of me but even they feel fearful that if they are too supportive that may bring their allegience to the Church into question. It’s just a sad sad situation especially in the light of the fact that Jesus never taught us to be like this but to love everyone authentically.
I am proud of you for choosing the honest route and for being so courageous. I have been very blessed to have a mom who is extremely supportive of me. She wasn’t always that way but things have continued to progress for the better over the years. She is an amazing woman. My dad was also incredibly supportive of me prior to his passing back in 1992. My family (siblings and cousins) are also very supportive and they are very approachable about these issues. Some even take an activist role when things come up from time to time.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints needs to wake up and face reality that Evergreen does not work as so many think it should along with the fact that there are tens of thousands of LDS people around the world who are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual and transgendered. Keeping this reality from the members is like a parent keeping secrets (and keeping the whole family in denial) from their children and often when the children find out they become disillusioned. It’s also time that the Church stop publishing Boyd K. Packer’s extremely homophobic brochures like To Young Men Only and To the One which are not only filled with bigoted homophobic statements but out right hurtful words about gay people. Also President Spencer W. Kimball’s Crime Against Nature section of The Miracle of Forgiveness needs to be deleted because of obvious inaccurate statements about gays, shame based statements and statements about how homosexual people can change through the programs of the Church which is totally incorrect. All of these things add to the ignorance about gay people that is still so pervasive in Mormon communities.
There are only a handful of positive things I have read one of which was written by Bishop Robert Reese (a former Bishop in the LDS/Mormon Church) in his essay entitled No More Strangers and a few other articles he has written that can be found on the Affirmation (www.affirmation.org) website. There are LDS bishops who truly are Christlike and who want to lend authentic support as opposed to taking the pharisaical route of dogmatic judgement, shunning and condemntation.
We appreciate your words too Joe.Not having any experience such as this, one thing did strike us:I must take responsibility for my choices. I knew what coming Out would mean: losing contact with most of my family and friends, being excommunicated from my faith, cut off from my culture and support network, etcOur own thoughts are that while choosing to be honest was certainly your decision, none of those consequences were.Other people made their own decisions. It is a shame they chose not to join you on life’s journey.
Thanks for your post Joe.
Now that I have a decade’s worth of emotional distance from my ex-gay experience, I can honestly say I am grateful for the years I spent trying to change my orientation–and for the things I learned about myself in the process. Mainly, it taught me that if I am going to choose my own path in life, I must take responsibility for my choices.
I can look back on those years too, and though I begrudge the length of time I spent, I can still value the things I learned. I also think that attending an ex-gay group was, in retrospect, actually one of the first steps on my road to coming out.
I’m sorry to hear that your coming out had quite as many repercussions on friendships. I think I’ve had it relatively easy so far.