My Dirty Little Former Secret
God used a movie about gay cowboys to release me from the burden of my past.
By Dennis Belkofer
Christianity Today, March 6, 2006
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My Dirty Little Former Secret
God used a movie about gay cowboys to release me from the burden of my past.
By Dennis Belkofer
Christianity Today, March 6, 2006
What an interesting article. This man seems to have been ex-gay (but in the closet about it) for over 20 years, but admits basically to living an unhappy life all of the time, in spite of finding Jesus in his life the entire time.
Maybe someone should make an “Exgay? Unhappy?” billboard. Apparently all ex-gays aren’t living the fulfilled life we are led to believe from certain groups.
There seems to be an increasing number of “ex-gays” who are misleading themselves and others about the origins of their homosexuality. In the article mentioned in this post, the author, Dennis, seems to say that his homosexuality was “caused” by being molested at age 14. While I am not in a position to dispute whether or not he was molested, I would like to ask him why he feels that this event was the “causation” of his sexual orientation.
My bet is that he was homosexual to begin with, and that the molestation experience exacerbated his already uncertain feelings about his sexuality. Given the time period in which he grew up (he says he was 14 in 1960!) it is understandable that he had a very difficult time with being homosexual. It was a time when one had to live a double life and hide one’s true self.
I am very sad for Dennis. It sounds like he has struggled for many years to reconcile his sexuality with his religion. He discusses his failed first marriage (to an “ex-gay” lesbian) and describes it as a “mistake”: “There was no passion between us. No desire for emotional intimacy. No tenderness. No real communication. Only remorse that we had acted so quickly.”
He goes on to say that his late sister, Rachael, told him, “Denny, the Lord told me you’re gay. You’ll never find true peace and love until you come back to Jesus.” Rather than seeing this comment for what it is – emotional abuse – he felt that there wasn’t “room in his life for Jesus” so long as he was a homosexual.
This clearly shows how harmful the anti-gay fundamentalists really are. This quote from Dennis is most chilling: “Homosexuality has been like a ghost, hiding in the shadows of my shame, telling me I can never reach my full potential as a Christian.”
No, Dennis. Your homosexuality is not holding you back from your “full potential”. Your religion is holding you back. You have been told a lie that your innate sexuality is incompatible with Christianity. You have joined a cult, basically, who seek to brainwash you and bend you to their own ends. They enjoy watching you suffer, as it reinforces their mistaken beliefs about homosexuals. You were victimized by your molestor as a child, but you continue to be victimized (by choice!) as an adult by the fundamentalist version of religion you are trying to practice. The unhappiness and sadness in your life is a consequence of denying your true self in order to please other people.
I understand how important religion is in your life, but you should know there are many places where you can be involved in ministry and reaching out to others – and live openly and honestly as a gay man. You want to minister to those who need help – the MCC would be a welcoming place for you and would allow you that very opportunity. Your fundamentalist religion is the problem, Dennis, not your sexuality.
Faith and homosexuality are not incompatible, nor is there a single word on homosexuality spoken by Jesus and recorded in the New Testament. Your self-hatred is rooted in the writings of Paul, who himself is thought to have been a homosexual. Paul hated all expressions of sexuality or pleasure and brought into Christianity much of the Old Testament baggage left over from Bronze Age Hebrews, laws that Jesus himself said were no longer important.
I really hope that Dennis can find the peace that he deserves in a church or religious community that embraces him exactly as he is. How sad that he clings to those who are doing so much to harm him and make his life miserable.
I think the author sums up just how much he misses the point of BBM when he says, “But I also identified with the bond between Ennis and Jack that seemed to defy who they really were.”
Ennis and Jack didn’t live in defiance of who they really were but in denial of who they really were. That should be obvious in just how much each one avoided defying the taboos of their time each in their own way. Mr. Belkofer does the same thing, and it is just a matter of time before he looks around at that happy community of supportive churchfolk he talks about and realizes that just like Ennis, his life is just as devoid of the things that make a house a home. At this point, though, he seems happy to be a guest in the homes of others.
What a load of rubbish!
Short summary:anti-gay bisexual is still bisexual. He hates this fact.person who cannot accept themself, throws same self into not accepting others.You cannot make yourself happy by living unhappily because you think it will make others happy. Stop torturing yourself. Tell others they are unreasonable.What, exactly, is the purpose of this screed? To convince others to live as miserably as he has? Or, to convince them not to live as he has?
Methinks Dennis Belkofer is on a much different path than he believes he is.
On of my personal pet peeves about ex-gays is the way that they claim gay relationships are disfunctional, non-communicative, and all about sex.
In reality, that is the way *they* conducted their relationships and is not indicative about anything besides themselves. It seems like his straight relationships have also been disfunctional and suffered from lousey communication skills, especially since he’s never bothered to tell his spouse that he had a gay affair years ago. Lousey relationship skills are not blameable on ones sexual orientation, take some freakin responsibility for your behavior.
Either way, this guys is far from the poster child for ex gay happiness. I’m glad he’s found jesus, but he still seems conflicted and upset about himself, and I’m sure that being married to a confused, crabby, compulsivel liar is a real barrel of monekys for his poor wife.
Earlier info from Dennis Belkofer.
The problem is that ex-gays are not representative of gay people, but rather of a subset of miserable and generally despicable gay people.
It is as if Saddam’s torturers denounced their evil ways. This would be a good thing. But not if they then claimed that all Iraqis performed attrocities. The fact that ex-torturers were scum doesn’t mean that all Iraqis are scum.
And yet that is the logical leap that ex-gay’s expects the world to take. Just because he they were miserable and inappropriate gays does not mean that all gay people are miserable and inappropriate.
I feel so bad for the author, but I find it interesting how he seems to define homosexuality.
“That curiosity made me feel guilty. Fully aware of my past, I knew going to see Brokeback Mountain could be risky business.”
He seems to define it as action, but he clearly is homosexually inclined according to this line. Decades of dealing with this has not changed his curiosity. What is extremely depressing is how he has used other people in his struggle. He has left and divorced others. On his website, notice how the responses to his article are relating to what he wrote, and they are reflecting this emptiness and sadness. I feel for their striving lonliness. I wish him the best, but I am glad I did not go down his life road. There is very little happiness in his story–just secrecy and fear.
So I’ll jump in here..
1. It seems to me that the title is the first problem… My Dirty Little FORMER Secret – It is an absolute tragedy that someone feels like their sexual identity is dirty. Even if homosexuality is wrong (and I don’t believe that committed monogamous relationship are) the fact that someone struggles with an attraction they did not ask for, did not do anything to receive and to call that dirty says that one has a very low self image and poor self esteem.. unhealthily so.
2. It is obvious from the writer’s text that the raw material that he has.. that which was given to him.. is homosexual. He clearly states he has no attraction to women, his marriage had no passion or emotional intimacy he says.. well of course not.. HE’S GAY!
3. It is also interesting, that while omitted, it is implied that he enjoyed the gay partner he had, but he couldn’t reconcile his lifestyle with his understanding of scripture.
4. I saw BBM twice – having a history similar to this authors.. my response was similar and yet the ultimate conclusion very different… I decided to not let society rob me of the love that Jack and Ennis were robbed of… I think this author has reached the wrong conclusion about what he observed and what he has experienced throughout his life. He is correct – at the end Ennis had nothing.. but he had nothing because of the choices he made and all that remained was a bloodied shirt. I wonder what will remain for our author? I hope much more than a piece of old fabric.
5. Maybe -just maybe – the Holy Spirit is attempting to use the author’s ghosts as a message of release, and maybe it is freedom in Christ that this author really needs. I don’t think he has freedom and time will be the ultimate judge. It’s only been a few months since the release of this movie and our emotions can carry us a distance for a short time. But day in and day out, year after year – will determine whether or not this man has the freedom he now claims. It’s certainly been over 30 years for him.. history isn’t on his side.. so I wish CT would follow him for about 20 years and then ask him.. are you free? I would bet, his story will be like most of ours.. that promised freedom, the one the church holds out.. never comes. My central concern about all the freedom talk is this.. those who write these articles have an emotional experience, publish and they are held up as I GOT THE CURE. And months or years later, we find out that they continue to struggle like the rest of us. It takes time to work these things out – we have ups and we have downs – but it is in the long haul where we find the real answers.